Cowards and Heroes
by Janeway1390
Summary: Chuck runs away after he finds that Beckman has ordered him to be locked in a cell. Sarah does something unexpected, but is it to help him or hurt him? Is everything else as it seems or is there something bigger going on?
1. I am a Coward

**A/N: So this is something that popped into my head the other day. I'm going to get the epilogue of If Love Was Enough out soon, but I needed to get this new fic started. I'm really excited about it. **

**This story is going to be told over three different time frames. Kind of like the new season of Lost. There's going to be a whole present, past, and earlier past thing going on. It might be a little complicated and confusing at first, but it will all pay off. This chapter especially might seem a bit confusing or contradictory, but it's all planned. So please stick with it and if you have questions just ask and I'll see if I can sort it out for you. The song used in this chapter is I Saw by Matt Nathanson. **

_And it's amazing_

_With the look in your eyes_

_Like you could save me_

_But you won't even try_

_And then you tell me again_

_How everything will be alright_

Chuck and Sarah walked down the street hand in hand. They just finished their cover date, or was it a real date? He never knew anymore. It was a pretty nice evening. Better than a lot of one's they've been having recently. For the past few months Sarah had been very distant and short with him. He asked her what was wrong, but she just brushed him off and said she was stressed. They barely talked anymore and when they did they were usually fighting. Even on missions. He felt like he could never do anything right.

"The car is this way," he said as she turned in the opposite direction.

"It's a beautiful night. Let's walk. The OrangeOrange is only a few blocks away."

"I thought we had the night off?"

"We did, but Casey called and said he found something and wanted us to meet him at the Castle."

Chuck sighed, but followed her. He felt her squeeze his hand and looked down to her, but she wouldn't meet his eyes. Instead of worrying, he tried to savior the moment. He knew it would be the last good memory he would have of her. They all thought he was stupid. Chuck knew what would happen when they reached the OrangeOrange. They were going to take him to a bunker. He overheard Sarah and Casey talking about it the other day. It was probably why Sarah had been acting so strange. What really stung was the fact that Sarah was so willing to go along with it. The Sarah he used to know would go to any lengths to keep him out of that bunker and living as normal a life as possible. He wasn't going to that bunker. They could do whatever they wanted to him, but he would fight them. One thing was for sure: after tonight, nothing would ever be the same.

They got all the way to the alley behind the Castle when he stopped. He let go of Sarah's hand and she walked a few feet ahead of him before she realized he had stopped.

"What's wrong?"

"I-I just can't do this anymore, Sarah."

She tilted her head slightly and narrowed her eyes. "Do what?"

"All of it. The lying. The cover ups. The never knowing if I'm going to come back from a mission alive. Then there's the thing with us. I can't figure you out anymore and all this back and forth is killing me."

Her demeanor softened instantly and she looked at him full of concern. _Damn, she was good at that._ Sarah Walker was an amazing actress. _Or maybe she really is concerned._ Whatever the case, the look made him melt. Everything she did made him melt.

"Chuck, it's all going to be okay. I promise." The way she said it made it seem like she was reassuring herself more than she was reassuring him.

_And if I told you_

_That I'm sorry_

_Would you tell me that you were wrong_

_Or would you hold me down forever_

_If I came to your for answers_

"But it's not going to be okay. It never will be until I get my old life back. I can't live with being the intersect anymore."

Sarah took a step toward him, but he stepped back and she made no further move to comfort him.

"Where did this come from all of a sudden?"

"It's not sudden. If you haven't been so busy being pissed at me or dodging my attempts to talk to you then you'd know that."

She was slowly putting her walls up. He had noticed in the past few months, even when she was pissed at him, she still had her guard down. Now was a different story. The agent in her was coming out and the Sarah he knew was slipping away.

"I haven't been pissed at you and even if I was, you shouldn't let that get in the way of being professional. If you have problems you need to tell me."

"You're one to talk about being professional. You're the queen of blurry lines. And you're impossible to talk to when it isn't about drug lords or terrorists."

"Just because I don't want to keep talking about our relationship doesn't mean I'm impossible to talk you."

"Then why do you avoid the conversation every time I try to bring it up?"

"Because I can't keep talking about the way I feel about and not be able to do anything about it!" she shouted then looked to the ground trying to hide her emotions.

"But we can do something about it. We can make it work."

"Chuck, please don't make this harder than it already is. We've talked about this remember? You told me that we could never be together because you wanted a normal life and that I will never be normal. We need to leave it at that and stop brining up the fact that we . . . have feelings for each other every time it gets too hard to ignore."

_And I saw_

_Pictures in my head  
_

_And I swear I saw you opening up, again_

She did have a point. Chuck was just floored that she just admitted to having feelings for him. Still, it wasn't enough. He wished with every fiber of his being that it was enough. They stood in the dark alley in silence. The cold wind blew harshly against his skin and he had a feeling it would start raining soon. He had to stall. He needed to find a way to get out of here before Casey came out. He could handle Sarah, maybe even emotionally wound her enough for her to lose her focus and let him escape. Casey, on the other hand, would just shoot him without a moment's hesitation.

"Come on. We need to get inside," Sarah said finally breaking the silence. She waited for him to walk toward her and became impatient when he didn't move. "Chuck let's get this mission over with then I will talk to the General about giving you some time off."

He hated how easily she could lie to him. It was like she absolutely believed what she was saying. She made it sound like they would just walk into the Castle like any other day, Casey would tell them about their mission, they'd go save the day, and he'd make it back in time for his morning shift at the Buy More. Instead, they would shoot him full of tranquilizers and ship him off to a secure bunker never to be heard of again. After all they've been through; he still couldn't believe she would do this to him.

"Trust me Chuck, it'll be fine."

"That's the thing. I don't trust you."

He watched as her façade dropped in an instant. _Trust me, Chuck_. _Trust me, Chuck_. _Trust me, Chuck_. He repeated her words over and over in his mind. He had to trust her even though he said he didn't. _Trust me, Chuck_.

This had been a conversation he imagined in his mind a thousand times. He heard himself say those words to her, but he never pictured the look she would get on her face. In that moment, he knew the words stung the real Sarah, the one that wasn't trying to take him away. This was just as hard for her as it was for him. Still, he knew both of them would do what they had to do.

_And I'm surrounded  
_

_You spill  
_

_All alive and brand new  
_

_And I'll forget about you long enough  
_

_To forget why I need to_

"Chuck."

It pained him to hear how it almost killed her to say his name. _Stop it._ He forced himself to push all feelings about her out of his mind. He had to be strong. He had to think about survival.

"Don't make me force you to come with me."

She took another menacing step toward him and he pulled a gun hidden under his jacket and pointed it at her. The action startled him as much as it did her. After a moment she smiled at him.

"You're not going to shoot me."

"Don't be so sure. We both know I've been practicing and I may not be that good, but I can do some damage."

He tightened his grip on the gun, but Sarah didn't move. She seemed to be weighing her options. She clenched her jaw and glared at him. "Why are you doing this Chuck?"

"I know what you and Casey are up to. You're sending me to a padded cell. I won't go."

"That's not true."

"For once stop lying to me. Just tell me one thing. Why are you doing this?"

"It's what's safest for you and the country. Fulcrum has increased their efforts to try and find you. If they do you're not the only one who's going to be in trouble. The secrets in your brain will harm a lot of people. You know that. Besides, this is only a temporary solution."

"I won't go."

"You really think you can stop us?"

"Don't underestimate me."

Chuck noticed her snake her arm around to her back. No doubt to grab the knife she keeps hidden in her waistband. He aimed the gun at her arm and pulled the trigger before she got a chance to throw it at him.

_And I saw  
_

_Pictures in my head  
_

_And I swear I saw you opening up again  
_

_Cause I would be heavenly if  
_

_Baby you'd just rescue me now_

If Sarah was in pain, her face didn't show it. All it showed was shock. Her uninjured hand moved to apply pressure to the wound. Chuck moved back a few steps horrified at what he'd done. He just shot Sarah Walker. Not good. Don't freak out.

"Chuck, please put the gun out. We can talk about this and work it out."

"There's nothing left to say Sarah. You're either going to have to shoot me or let me go because I'm not going to that bunker."

"You know I just can't let you go."

"Then we're at an impasse."

Sarah started running at him, but he aimed his gun at her lower right leg and fired again. She dropped to the ground and this time screamed in pain. He tried not to let it faze him, but it did.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore Sarah." _Please don't make me do this._

She grabbed her gun from her ankle holster and pointed it at him. His was pointed directly at her heart. They stared at each other, but neither made a move.

_The days are  
_

_Drifting away from me  
_

_I still wake up  
_

_Burning through everything now_

Chuck finally met Sarah's eyes. They were practically begging him to take the shot, to end this all for good. He was too much of a coward for that. The voice in the back of his head was screaming at him to do it. _No_ _matter what, you have to follow the plan._ But he couldn't do it. He had done enough damage to Sarah already; he wasn't going to risk killing her.

"I'm sorry," he breathed praying for her to understand. He took one last good look at her, then turned and ran. He made it a block before he heard her gunshot ring out. That was it then. There was no going back.

_Five years._ All he could do was focus on that thought. _Five years._ He pulled Sarah's Porsche keys out of his pocket and climbed into her car. Chuck slammed on the gas and peeled out of the parking lot.

There was no going back.

_And I saw  
_

_Pictures in my head  
_

_And I swear I saw you opening up again  
_

_I would be heavenly if  
_

_Baby you'd just rescue me now_


	2. I am a Fugitive

**A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews! I'm going to try to get these chapters out as fast as I can because I don't want to make you wait too long, especially when things start to get complicated. I don't want to confuse anyone too bad. This wasn't supposed to be a song fic, but as I write the chapters, they show up on my itunes then end up here. This one is Signs of Life by Lifehouse. **

_Break through hoping your demons can't catch you_

_So many people with a good view_

_If you should ever be the one to hit the ground_

_There's stop signs on the wrong highway_

_And it's so dark looking for answers_

_But your headlights have already gone out_

_You're looking for a spark_

_Can April hours spring_

_Signs of life in me_

**Summer 2009**

When Sarah woke up the first thing she registered was the pain. It wasn't the dull ache in her arm and leg that killed her, but the screaming agony from her heart. Chuck was gone. She prayed that he was already somewhere far away where no one would ever find him. Her mind kept flashing back to the night before and the look on his face just before he turned to run. Even now, she couldn't pick out one emotion. There were too many painted on his face to discern anything. She imagined, in that moment, her face mirrored his. She tried to think of something more pleasant, like their date, but everything was tainted by the events of that night. While they were at the restaurant, all she could think about was what was to come. Now all she wanted to do was go back and enjoy those last precious moments she had with Chuck.

Sarah heard a distinct voice down the hall and braced herself for the looming conversation. If she thought last night was bad, then facing Chuck's sister was going to be a disaster. A second later, Ellie burst through the door, with Awesome right on her heels.

"Sarah! We came as soon as we heard. Are you okay?"

"I've been better," the agent said as the two doctors sat down next to her bed. Ellie reached out and squeezed her hand. _Telling_ _Ellie is going to be the hardest part of all of this._

"What happened? Where's Chuck? Shouldn't he be here?"

"Ellie, Devon . . . there's something I need to tell you."

"Is Chuck okay?" The panic in Ellie's voice was unmistakable. Awesome reached over and put a comforting arm around her, but he looked just as worried.

"Chuck is fine, but he's not here. And he's not coming."

"I don't understand. What's going on, Sarah?"

"There's a lot I need to tell you and I don't have a lot of time. In twenty minutes, I'm being transferred to a hospital in Washington DC. That means we have about fifteen until the doctors come to get me ready. You'll have questions, but save them for when I'm finished."

They both nodded and Sarah took a deep breath. She was scared. There were very few people who knew that she was a CIA agent and she never willingly gave that information away unless it was absolutely necessary. This was necessary, but that didn't mean she felt any less exposed.

"I'm a CIA agent. Chuck's an analyst." It was better to skip over the intersect stuff for a lot of reasons, but mostly because the fewer people that knew, the safer Chuck was. "I was his handler. Our relationship was a cover. Ellie, your brother is very important to the government. He has a lot of information that could hurt a lot of people if it got in the wrong hands. That's why I was sent here to protect him. There's an organization called Fulcrum who is looking for the information Chuck has, but they don't know who has it. These people have become a bigger threat the last few months and we have reason to believe that they are getting closer to finding out about Chuck. So we were going to send him to a secure location until we figured it out. But he didn't want to go. There was a fight, I lost, and now Chuck is on the run somewhere."

"Chuck _shot_ you?"

"Yes."

Ellie was the picture of surprise. Awesome seemed to be handling everything better. Sarah continued before they could ask any more questions. "I know none of this makes sense and I know you must hate me for lying to you all this time, but I need you to know that I really do care for Chuck." _More than you could ever know._

_A heart that's been buried in the ground_

_Can't break if it's never found_

_I spent so much time digging that grave_

_And even if it's pain that I feel_

_At least I know that it's real_

_I'd rather be broken than afraid_

_Can April hours spring_

_Signs of life in me_

It was dark as Chuck drove down the highway. It was about three in the morning and he was exhausted, but he still had fifty miles to go until he reached his destination. He'd stop in Cozumel, Mexico for a few days gather supplies, change his appearance, sell the Porsche, then buy another car. The Porsche was too flashy, plus he was sure there were still some CIA bugs on it that he missed.

Chuck didn't really have a plan. He had been driving along the east coast of Mexico for what seemed like forever. He knew there was a pair of CIA agents undercover in Mexico City and he wanted to stay as far away from there as possible. Once he left Cozumel, he would head down to Belize and stay there for a bit. He'd find some secluded house on the coast and stick it out for a few months then move again. He had a long road to travel and this was only the beginning.

For the first time in hours, Chuck let his thoughts drift to Sarah. He missed her so much already. Horrified didn't even begin to describe how he felt about having to shoot her. It was a feeling he never wanted to feel again. It tore him up to know that he caused her a lot of pain. He just hoped he didn't disable her permanently. It would kill her if she didn't get to be a spy anymore. It was her life. She told him once that she couldn't see herself doing this forever. At the time he didn't quite believe it. Sarah Walker was built to be a spy. He believed her now though. _Maybe one day things will be different. _

His thoughts moved to Ellie and Devon. He should have called them one last time before he tossed his cell phone. This was going to destroy his sister. He'd miss their wedding and probably the births of his future nieces and nephews. Everyone left Ellie. First their parents and now him. He felt so guilty, but there was no other option. This was the way it had to be.

Chuck didn't know how much time had passed by the time he reached Cozumel. It didn't really matter anyway. He had nowhere to go, no one to see, nothing to do. Time didn't mean anything anymore. But in a way it was all he had.

_It's a long ride don't think it's over_

_It's a fine line between disaster and a good time_

_Pick up the pieces and find out who you are_

_It's a cool sound you know you're hiding_

_For a meltdown feeling the pressure_

_Like a landslide you have to figure out why you fell apart_

_Can April hours spring_

_Signs of life in me_

Sarah glanced at the clock. They only had about seven minutes left. She sat up in bed and leaned closer to Ellie and Devon. The movement caused her pain and she flinched despite herself. She took a shaky breath and focused on the two concerned faces in front of her.

"Now I really need you to listen to me. This is important. I know you have no reason to, but I need you to trust me and do exactly as I say. Tomorrow afternoon two CIA agents are going to come to your apartment disguised as LAPD. They'll ask you a few questions about what happened and a lot of questions about how you know me and my involvement with you. Tell them I used to date your brother and that the only reason you visited me today was because you are doctors in this hospital. They won't ask about Chuck. It's routine for the CIA just to make sure that I haven't compromised myself as an agent. At some point tomorrow or the next day the FBI will come question you, but it will really be Fulcrum. When they ask about me tell them the same thing. These people will ask about Chuck. Tell them he's been missing for a year and you haven't heard from him since he left on a business trip to Vegas. Tell them he had a gambling problem and the authorities think he got messed up in some bad dealings. They should accept that and won't bug you anymore."

"Will it keep them from looking for Chuck?"

"It should. For awhile anyway. As soon as you leave this hospital you can never talk about Chuck again. Your house, your phones, your cars, everything is bugged. People are always listening. I can't protect him anymore." That killed Sarah the most. Fulcrum was after him and there was nothing she could do. She wished Chuck could have realized that. The bunker wasn't any kind of life he wanted, but it was a life. They'd catch Fulcrum eventually and Chuck would get his life back. She had to find a way to keep him safe.

Out of the corner of her eye, Sarah saw the nurses readying a gurney for her transfer. There was an agent in the hallway waiting for her. Sarah recognized him. She had one of her earliest missions with him. He got hurt and now all he could do were menial tasks like accompanying an injured agent back to base. She didn't know how he did it. She never wanted to be standing on the sidelines.

"You guys have to go now."

Ellie and Devon got up silently and headed for the door. They seemed too shocked to function. She couldn't really blame them; their lives had totally changed in a fifteen minute conversation. Sarah wondered when she had become immune to that shock. Nothing really fazed her anymore. It was just further proof that she acted more like a robot than an actual human being.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. She didn't need this people to forgive her, but she wanted them to. In the short years she was with Chuck, they had become her family. The first real one she had. They helped her without question. They loved her despite the fact that she was always steeling Chuck away from them. They invited her into their home and even into their wedding. Losing that support system was almost going to be as damaging as losing Chuck himself.

Ellie turned around and gave Sarah a look she couldn't decipher. "Are we ever going to see you again, Sarah?"

"I doubt it. And if you do, you won't recognize me. I'll be a different person." _When this is all said and done will I even recognize me? _"Can you guys do something for me?"

Her question hung in the air for a long time. For a moment, Sarah was afraid that Ellie and her fiancé were just going to walk out the door without another glance.

"Of course," Ellie said softening.

"Can you always remember me as the person you knew before today? The person who loved Chuck? The person you wanted in your wedding? Please don't remember me as I am now."

They both nodded and Sarah met Ellie's eye for the first time. The concern and care in the other woman's eyes made Sarah turn away. She had to keep her composure. She could not break down.

"Goodbye, Sarah."

_A heart that's been buried in the ground_

_Can't break if it's never found_

_I spent so much time digging that grave_

_And even if it's pain that I feel_

_At least I know that it's real_

_I'd rather be broken than afraid_

_Can April hours spring_

_Signs of life in me_

Chuck scanned the motel room one last time to make sure he didn't forget anything, then he closed the door and hopped into the beat up old pickup truck he traded for the Porsche. He sold it to a wealthy shop owner who gave him the truck, a couple thousand dollars, and anything in the store he wanted. Chuck picked up some new clothes, food, and some scissors so he could but his hair. It wasn't much shorter, but short enough that he wouldn't be easily recognizable. It would probably be a good idea to dye it at some point too, but Chuck figured he'd wait awhile to do that. Morgan dared him to dye it blonde once. Looks like he'd get his wish, after all.

The truck roared to life instantly and Chuck pulled out of the parking lot. The lone dirt road stared at him and he found himself easing off the gas. His mind drifted to Sarah again. He wished she was sitting in the passenger seat next to him. He couldn't fully picture her sitting there because he knew it would never happen. Forget about it. _Forget about her._

Chuck pushed down on the gas and continued down the dirt road. _Here we go._


	3. I am a Ghost

_I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll  
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds  
But, oh, God, I feel I've been lied to  
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved_

**Fall 2014**

"Where is he?"

The CIA agent in the chair in front of her stared ahead blankly. They had captured him about three hours ago and he hadn't told them anything. They needed to be more forceful, but Bryce was the torturing kind. He'd leave that part to her. Sarah watched as Bryce crossed in front of her and crouched down so he'd be eye level with the agent.

"Look, I know you think we're the bad guys, but we're not. We don't want to hurt anybody. Just tell us where your partner is. All we want is answers."

The agent laughed. Bryce looked back at her, but she just shrugged. "You think you're the _good_ guys? I've heard stories about Fulcrum and none of them are good."

"We can't be all bad if the CIA's top agent decided to join us," Bryce replied motioning back toward her.

The agent peered at her. She stared right back at him and after a moment he broke his gaze and looked back at Bryce. "Even the best of people can be brainwashed into something."

"She wasn't brainwashed. Agent Walker saw the light. She believes in our cause. You will to. Just tell us what we want to know and we can all get on with our day."

"Go to Hell."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Sarah was up out of her chair. She grabbed the agent by his collar, lifted him up, and threw him against the wall. "I don't think you understand. You don't mean a thing to me. Your partner, on the other hand, we need him. The only way you'll stay alive is if you help us."

The agent stayed silent. Sarah picked him up from the ground and threw him against the opposite wall. She kicked him in the stomach as he fell to the floor. He spit out blood and looked up at her with a smirk. Sarah pulled a knife out of her waistband and was about to throw it at him when Bryce pulled her back. "What are you doing? The Director said not to hurt him."

"He said to keep him alive. There's a difference."

Bryce narrowed his eyes at her. It was a look she had seen many times before. It always looked like he was surprised at the things she was doing. You think he'd be used to it by now. "Maybe you should go for a walk. I can handle this."

"Can you?"

"Go."

_And I've woken now to find myself  
In the shadows of a lie I've created  
I'm longing to be lost in you  
Away from this place I've made  
Won't you take me away from me?_

Chuck could not wait to get out. He was living in a small house off the coast of Panama. He had only been there five months, but he couldn't take it anymore. It was too isolated. The nearest market was a four hour drive away. He learned to stock up on things he needed. There was no internet, no phone service, nothing. All he did now was work out, read, and think. That was all there was to do. The working out benefited him though. He was pretty muscular now. If Morgan saw him like this he'd be freaked out. He'd say he looked like some video game character. His muscles weren't the only thing different about his appearance. He had a full beard and his hair was very short. Chuck has shaved it all off in the last town he lived in and now he was growing it back.

He finally knew a little about how Sarah felt about changing identities so much. He changed his name, appearance, interests, and pretty much everything every time he moved. It was strange, but it made him feel better. It also made it easier to disappear. He'd acquired quite the skill set in the past five years. He could speak Spanish, French, Russian, and was working on Italian. With so much time alone the languages weren't too hard to learn. Handling a gun was also something he was a lot better at now. His skills were nowhere close to Sarah's, but he could hold his own. About a year ago he bought an old guitar off of a small boy and taught himself to play. He left it at his house in Brazil when he moved. For some reason he always felt depressed playing it.

Now he only had a few more days before he would leave again. This time he was going home. He was so tired of running and hiding. It wasn't the kind of life he wanted to live. Chuck realized that he may not make it long in the States, but at least he would be able to see his sister again. After that, he was ready for whatever was going to happen. The trip would take awhile, but he was prepared. He only planned on stopping a few places along the way. He wanted to get back as soon as possible.

_Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins  
I'm looking to myself but my own heart has been changed  
I can't go on like this  
I loathe all I've become_

Sarah left the room with little protest. Honestly, she didn't want to be there anyway. Interrogating people hadn't been the reason she joined Fulcrum. Sometimes she couldn't even remember why she joined in the first place. Fortunately, today wasn't one of those days. She was more focused than ever. She just had to get through the next few days. It was cold in the hallway, but Sarah refused to shiver. Showing weakness was something she hadn't done in years. There were a lot of things she hadn't done in years.

She walked outside and her black mission gear did little to keep out the cold Canadian air. All she wore now was mission gear. The perfect little soldier. Bryce called her that once. It pissed her off, but he was right. She didn't even recognize herself anymore. Her hair was a dark brown now, almost black. She had to dye it for a mission a few years ago and just left it. There was also a long scar across her right eye. It started at the center of her forehead and ended about the middle of her cheek. It was visible, but with enough make up she could make it go away. She never covered it up though. It made people remember she wasn't to be messed with.

Looking out over the forest outside their compound, Sarah felt tired. Not just tired, but weary all the way to your bones exhausted. She didn't sleep much. It wasn't falling asleep that was the problem; it was the fear of waking up and still being stuck in this life. The trouble was that she wasn't forced into this, but she didn't choose it either. She was stuck in a gray area that she couldn't leave. Not yet, anyway. In weak moments like these she would usually allow her mind to wonder to Chuck. It bothered her that she couldn't remember the sound of his voice or the way he smelled. The only thing concrete in her life was the picture of him in her mind. When she thought of him, he was always smiling. That goofy grin got her through a lot of tough nights.

_I've woken now to find myself  
In the shadows of a lie I've created  
I'm longing to be lost in you  
Away from this place I've made  
Won't you take me away from me?_

Chuck went through the last of the boxes in the house. Most of the stuff he would leave for whoever bought it next and the other stuff he would destroy. There could be no trace of him left here. He had a routine every time he left a place. First he would gut the house and throw all of his stuff in the middle of a room. It was never much. Then he would sort out the stuff he wanted to keep. Clothes mostly, food, and a few books he needed to finish. The stuff he didn't want he'd either leave or burn. It was a strange feeling watching his stuff burn. Each time he would lose a part of himself that he felt he'd never get back. This time was different. This time he would burn everything. He didn't need it. He didn't want it. All it would do was remind him of the life he hated.

He walked outside and started a small fire. Chuck threw in all his clothes, books, and the fake id that said his name was Eduardo Morales. He walked back into the house and noticed an untouched box poking out from under his bed.

"What the hell?"

He pulled it out and set it on his bed. Why did he not remember it? Then he opened it and realized why. It was all the stuff he kept from his old life. The clothes he wore the day he left, his driver's license, a pile of unsent letters he wrote to Ellie and Morgan. He hadn't looked at this stuff in years. For a moment he thought about reading the letters again. It might help him remember his old self. Instead he just picked up the box and headed out toward the fire. The letters were the first thing to go in, then his driver's license, and his clothes. As he picked up his jeans a small picture fell out. He tossed the jeans in the fire and leaned down to pick it up.

His heart constricted as his eyes fell on the beautiful blonde. It was a picture of them outside his old apartment. They were sitting by the fountain. Sarah was on his lap and he had his arms wrapped around her. It was on Thanksgiving. They had all just eaten and he and Sarah had gone outside to get some air. Ellie came out wanting a picture and Sarah immediately jumped onto his lap and pulled his arms around her. She then laid her head back against his shoulder and smiled like she meant it. And maybe she had. His smile had matched hers. They looked like the perfect couple. Words could not express how much he missed Sarah. He was still horrified at what he did to her. _You do what you have to to survive. _She told him that once.

With one last glance at the picture he threw it in the fire and watched as the edges scorched and their smiles melted. In that moment he realized he couldn't be that person. He wasn't Chuck Bartowski anymore. Chuck Bartowski was dead.

He was a ghost.

_Lost in a dying world I reach for something warm  
I have grown so weary of this life I live_

Sarah turned and walked back into the building. She should go check on Bryce and see if he got anything out of the agent. If not she was willing to so what needed to be done. Bryce was never good at seeing when that point came. Agent Perotta passed her in the hallway. She was a newer recruit and had only been around for about five months. Sarah had to admit that she was promising and very skilled in the field. Perotta didn't even look at her as she passed. People stopped acknowledging Sarah a long time ago. They were too scared of her. The fact that she killed an agent for looking at her wrong was probably another factor that contributed to that.

An alarm sounded and Sarah sighed.

"Damn it Bryce."

Agent Perotta stopped in her tracks and reached for her gun. She seemed nervous. She always seemed nervous. Sarah filed that information in her brain and would investigate later. They heard loud footfalls then yelling coming from the other hallway. A figure turned the corner quickly and stopped in his tracks when he saw them.

"You're not going anywhere," Perotta said pointing her gun at him. The agent looked at Perotta then to Sarah. Making up his mind, he rushed Perotta. They fought for a moment then he was able to take her gun. He pointed it at Sarah and she rolled her eyes. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Bryce and a group of other agents run to the opening of the hallway. Without hesitation she kicked the gun out of the agent's hands, stepped forward, and then snapped his neck. She dusted her hands off on her jacket as he fell to the ground.

"We need better security around here," she said. The other agents chuckled as they picked up the body. All of them except for Bryce. He looked horrified. It was a look she was used to seeing from him, but this time was different. He was looking through her like she wasn't really there. And she wasn't. The Sarah he used to know was dead. She had been dead for a long time.

Now she was just a ghost.

**A/N: The song is this chapter is Away From Me by Evanescence. Big thanks to Jen (M4dh4tt3r) for finding it for me. And I promise the rest of the chapters won't be as sad and depressing as the past few lol. Thanks for the reviews. **


	4. I am a Dreamer

**A/N: I'm really sorry for the huge delay. I'll try my best not to let it happen again. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and who sent me notes saying they liked the story and wanted me to continue. These things make me try to get these chapters out faster! Song is Life on the Moon by David Cook.**

_Here in this crowd I'm feeling all alone  
Turn me around and point me back to home  
I'm getting lost more every day  
And I can't tear myself away  
From the stars in my eyes with no light_

**Fall 2014**

Chuck had been driving forever. It seemed that way at least. He had just made it past the border and decided to stop for the night in San Diego. Tomorrow he'd make it back to LA and figure out what his next move would be, but right now all he wanted was food. He rolled up to a small restaurant and parked the car. It was good to finally get out and stretch his legs. Chuck made his way to a small booth in the back. It would be hard for people to see him, but he would have a good view of the restaurant. Not that he really expected to see anyone he knew or to run into any agents, but he could never be too careful.

The waitress came and took his order. It was the first time he spoke to someone in a week. It was hard at first, not having people to talk to, but as he got used to it. He thought about what he said now instead of just blurting it out. Too bad he hadn't learned that skill earlier in his life. As he ate he wondered if it'd be safe to see Ellie and Morgan. What did they think about how he left? What would they think of him now? Chuck knew his leaving killed his sister. He wondered how long it was before she gave up hope that'd he'd come home. If he still knew his sister, she was probably still expecting him to come home for real one day.

Something else he used to think about often was what Sarah told Awesome and Ellie. Did she tell them the truth? If she did, she no doubt left the intersect part out. He knew with complete confidence that no matter how much Sarah Walker had changed, no matter how much she was tortured, no matter what, she would take that secret to the grave with her. Chuck doubted Sarah told his sister about the CIA. She didn't like opening up to people that way, especially him. Although, Ellie did have a way of getting information out of people.

"Can I get you anything else?"

"No thanks," Chuck replied as the waitress handed him his check. She smiled at him as she walked away. In a way she reminded him a bit of Jill. He shook his head trying to clear the rush of memories. Those weren't something he needed right now. There were already too many thoughts of one ex in his head, there wasn't room for any more.

_Here are my terms, have some faith in me  
And I'll let you be who you need to be_

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like you don't know who I am and you're seeing me for the first time. And you don't quite like what you see."

Bryce shook his head and looked away from her. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You can't lie to me Bryce. I know you too well."

Sarah watched as he tried to shrug it off, but it didn't work. She really did know him better than anyone. They had been partners for the last five years. She saw him practically every day. It was strange because she had spent more time with him than Chuck and Casey, but they still felt like her team. Casey was her real partner and Chuck was still her asset, among other things.

"Fine. You're scaring me a little, that's all."

"You're scared of me?" she asked with a smile.

He shook his head again. "That's not what I meant and you know it."

"I do what needs to be done," she said clenching her jaw. This was not a conversation she wanted to have right now. It had been looming over them for a long time. Years in fact. Why did Bryce always choose the worst times to bring these things up? They were on their way to a meeting with Director Anders. The last thing she needed was someone overhearing their conversation.

"Sarah, this isn't worth it if this is who you have to become. The things you do . . . it's not right."

"Bryce Larkin is giving me a lesson in morality? Do we need to list the questionable things you've done?"

Bryce just rolled his eyes. He grabbed her arm and steered her toward the deserted end of the hallway. "Do you even remember the mission anymore?"

"I know exactly what the mission is." Sarah threw his hand off her and took a step toward him.

"Then you need to start acting like it and get your head together."

Sarah grabbed Bryce by his shirt collar and pushed him up against the wall. "My head is together. I'm focused only on the mission. I'm so focused that I would kill you right now with no regrets if I knew it help the mission move forward." There were group of agents turning to corner so Sarah let go and took a step back.

Bryce straightened his shirt and ran a hand through his hair. "That's what concerns me, Sarah. You don't care about anyone anymore."

"I care about people. In fact, there's one person I care about a hell of a lot. I just don't care about you."

_Life on the moon couldn't be any stranger  
Life on the moon wouldn't feel this far away  
The life that I knew, it's through  
And I'm gonna need you more than ever  
I'm alone in this crowded room  
It's like life on the moon_

Chuck envisioned this day for the past five years. He was finally home. After eating at the diner in San Diego he jumped right back in his car. The plan was to stay there for the night, but he just couldn't do it. He had come so far just to stop early. It was dark outside. Most people would be asleep. Sleep was something he longed for, but he knew it would not come easily tonight.

Where was he going to go? What was he going to do? Chuck desperately wanted to see his sister, but he couldn't just show up like nothing happened and he refused to lie to her about where he'd been. Maybe he could just drive by the apartment and check up on them. That was too stalkerish for his tastes though. He'd just have to wait. It didn't bug him that much; he was good at waiting by now. Whatever he planned to do tonight, he'd have to do it fast because he was low on gas and he had used the last of his cash at the diner. There was really only one place for him to go. It was a few days too soon, but at least he'd be safe there.

_Flown off the ground, my head's up in the air  
Self-conscious to a fault with all the people everywhere  
It's getting harder every night  
To take the punches left and right  
Just to know that you're here by my side_

Sarah took her seat next to Director Anders, with Bryce on the other side of her. She was the Director's right hand man after all. To be honest, she didn't really know why, but the Director liked her. She followed orders, but rarely carried them out the way one would expect her to. She killed and beat up her fellow agents, something that a normal person would frown upon. The Director didn't seem to mind. After all, she did get things done. In five years she never had a failed mission. That was a damn good track record.

Director Anders sat at his seat at the end of the table as the last few agents trickled in. He put on his glasses, read a report in front of him, then handed it to Sarah. It was just the usual progress report. It had been a slow week.

"Does anyone have any questions before I brief you all on your new assignments?"

The room was silent and after a moment the Director continued. "Agents Perotta, Marquez, Austen, and Anderson will fly out to our base in Southern Mexico tomorrow. Last week one of our teams detained two CIA agents. We believe that there are four more in Mexico City and at least two others stationed somewhere outside Cozumel. The rest of you will stay here and train the incoming recruits. Dismissed."

They got up to leave, but the director stopped them. "Walker, Larkin. I have a special assignment for you two."

"Please tell me it's somewhere sunny. I'm tired of the snow."

"Don't worry Agent Larkin, there will be no snow in sight," he said taking out a pair of folders and handing them to Sarah and Bryce. Sarah opened it and saw a picture of an older, balding man with glasses. "This is Dr. Oksana, code name Mad Hatter. He was on the original intersect project many years ago."

"Excuse me, Director. Did you say intersect? I thought we abandoned that route."

"We did. That is until now."

Sarah's heart sank. This is exactly what she had been trying to avoid. A few years ago she convinced the Director to abandon the intersect project completely. Looked like he changed his mind.

"We have intel that the CIA and NSA have learned how to implant the intersect into humans. It didn't work so well for us with Agent Larkin, but we have reason to believe that Oksana can help us with that. You two will go to LA and find him. His last known location was at a hotel in Santa Monica."

This was bad. If Fulcrum was poking around about the intersect, there was a good chance they'd stumble upon Chuck eventually. She would go find Oksana, but she had no intention of bringing him back. Sarah had to do whatever she could to protect Chuck.

"When do we leave?"

"Right now."

_Life on the moon couldn't be any stranger  
Life on the moon wouldn't feel this far away  
The life that I knew, it's through  
And I'm gonna need you more than ever  
I'm alone in this crowded room  
It's like life on the moon_

Chuck parked his car a few blocks away from the old OrangeOrange, put on a baseball hat, and started walking. It's not like he really needed the hat. It was late and no one was around, but he was used to being cautious. He wondered if he'd be like that for the rest of his life. Always looking over his shoulder, even after this was all said and done.

It was cold outside. It even rained a little on his way up here. For some reason he wanted it to rain now. He wanted to feel the drops on his face, the ice on his skin. He just wanted to _feel_. Being back didn't ignite the life in him he thought it would. Instead, it only made him more wistful and he longed for a time long gone. Back when he and Sarah were alright. Back when he could eat dinner with his sister and her fiancé. Back when he could call Morgan at any hour of the night to hang out. Standing at the opening of the alley where it all started five years ago, Chuck knew he could never get it back.

He was standing in the exact spot he was when he shot her. He could even see the look on her face. No matter how far gone he was he would never forget that look. She had been scared, of course, but he didn't think it was because he had been standing in front of her with a gun. No, it was because when he shot her, she saw all hope of their future disappear. Chuck shook his head to clear the thoughts. Focus. There was no time for a walk down memory lane. He walked over to the dumpster, reached under it, and found the key to the Orange Orange. It wasn't the yogurt shop anymore, though. Now it was just an abandoned building. He relocked the door after he went in and walked over to the door to the Castle. He was surprised at how clean everything was. He envisioned a thick layer of dust on everything, but it looked exactly the same as it had when he left.

"You're early."

Chuck's head whipped around to the screen as he set his bag on the table. "How did you know I was here?"

"I have Castle bugged for security reasons."

Made sense. At least, he should have figured as much. Remembering her earlier question, he sat down and replied, "The trip didn't take as long as I thought. I figured this would be the safest place to go. Is it a problem, General?"

General Beckman shook her head and leaned back in her chair. "No. In fact, it gives you more time to look over intel. I'm sending you everything we have gathered on Fulcrum from the last five years. I'll contact you at the same time tomorrow for a briefing."

Chuck just nodded. "It's nice to see you again, Mr. Bartowski." The screen went blank. He'd look over the information in the morning. Right now all he wanted to do was sleep. He walked over to one of the small cots in the back room and collapsed. Before he drifted off, he could have sworn he smelled lavender, but that was impossible. His mind must have been playing tricks on him.

_Getting lost in my own atmosphere  
Stars in the sky are the stars in my eyes  
It's the cost of getting out of here alive_

"We're early," Bryce said from behind her.

"I know. Be grateful it worked out at all."

"Well what do you suggest we do about it?"

"You go follow the orders the Director gave us. I'll meet up with you later."

"Sarah," he started, but his voice trailed off. Bryce looked tired. Sarah needed to cut him some slack. She knew she was hard on him and this wasn't his fault. Well, in a way it was, but right now he was just as caught up in all this as she was. There was a voice in her head whispering for her to be nice.

"There are just a few things I need to take care of. Anders doesn't expect a report from us for a few days. We both know we're not going to find Oksana, so there's not much we can do but wait."

He thought about that for a moment and nodded slowly. "I'll go talk to a few of the contacts I have here. Make it seem like we are actually doing work. I call you tomorrow and we'll meet up and figure out our next move."

Sarah watched as he walked off. She just stood there for a moment. She was exhausted, having barely slept in days. To be honest, her plan was to go to Castle and crash until Bryce called her. It would be nice to sleep on her own without feeling the need to keep one eye open.

The drive was short, but relaxing. Deciding to forgo the front door, Sarah crept in the back entrance. She was a little surprised her access code still worked, but she knew she shouldn't be. All of this seemed a bit surreal. At least being back here would help her remember what side she was really on. The first thing she noticed was that the lights were on and everything was powered up. She drew her gun and crept slowly to the main room. There was a bag on the table. Someone was here.

Sarah swept the place, but found no one. She moved around the corner into the back room and saw him. Chuck Bartowski. Looks like he was early too. Her heart fluttered seeing him there. She desperately wanted to go over to him, run her fingers through his now short hair, lay down next to him, but that's something the old Sarah would have done. The new Sarah could only stand there and stare at him. After a few minutes, she turned and headed back to the table. As much as she wanted to sleep, she knew it wasn't an option anymore. She had work to do.

_Life on the moon couldn't be any stranger  
Life on the moon wouldn't feel this far away  
The life that I knew, it's through  
And I'm gonna need you more than ever  
I'm alone in this crowded room  
It's like life on the moon_

Chuck awoke a tapping sound six hours later. He scanned the room nervously, but could not identify where the noise was coming from. Quietly, he grabbed the gun he'd hidden under his pillow and walked out toward the main room. The tapping was getting louder and he recognized what it was from: a computer. Someone was typing. As he rounded the corner he caught a glimpse of brunette hair and he held the gun a little tighter. Who was he kidding? Was he really going to shoot this woman? Well, he had done it to someone he loved, _twice_, so he shouldn't have a problem now. He walked farther into the room, careful not to make a sound and positioned himself directly behind the woman and braced himself for an attack. He was about to speak to her, but the woman beat him to it.

"It's okay, Chuck. It's just me."

He lowered his gun as Sarah turned to face him. He knew he smelled lavender.


	5. I am a Savior

**A/N: Once again thanks to everyone who reviewed. This takes place after Predator and the song is Save You by Kelly Clarkson. Enjoy! **

_I can tell, I can tell how much you hate this  
And deep down inside, you know it's killing me  
I can call, wish you well and try to change this  
But nothing I can say would change anything_

**Spring 2009**

Sarah watched as Chuck crossed the Buy More parking lot and made his way over to the Orange Orange. He had that look on his face, the one that told her he wanted to talk. He'd had that look a lot lately, mostly about finding Orion and getting the intersect out of his head. It's not that Sarah didn't want that for him, she did, even though it meant she wouldn't get to see him anymore. Not that she'd ever tell him that. Chuck seemed to have this perfect vision of getting the intersect out of his head and them being together. He never seemed to realize that once his time as the intersect was over she would be shipped off to some new assignment on the other side of the world. If they wanted to be together she'd have to quit the CIA. Honestly, she had thought about it a lot. There were times when she wanted nothing more than to leave and be able to be with Chuck for good. No covers, no lies. But every time she came close, she remembered why she joined the CIA in the first place and how it made her feel to finally be a part of something. She believed in what she doing. She saw firsthand how her job helped people and how she really was making a difference. As much as she loved Chuck, she wasn't ready to let that go. She'd be heartbroken when the time came to go, but no one ever said the life of a CIA agent was easy or fair. Still, she knew the longer this assignment went on, the harder it would be to leave.

"Hey, Chuck."

"Hi, Sarah. How's your day going?"

"Alright. It's been pretty slow today."

"It's been the same at the Buy More."

This was the dance they did. He'd come in and make small talk, then she'd force him to say what was on his mind. She didn't want to do that dance today. "Do you have the night off?" she asked instead.

"Yeah. Big Mike is cutting a few people early so I'm free. Why? Do we have a mission?"

"No, I've just wanted to try that new Italian restaurant down the street. Ellie said it was really good and I figured it'd be something fun." Sarah hoped he could tell that she was making an effort. Things had been rocky between them for the last few weeks. He'd been distant after their assignment in the suburbs, then the Cole situation didn't make things any easier, and now this whole Orion thing was driving a bigger wedge between them.

He narrowed his eyes at her slightly. "Like a cover date?"

"Yeah. We haven't had one in awhile."

His face fell. She knew he wanted to hear something different. "Chuck just because it's for our cover doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with you." As soon as the words left her mouth, Sarah knew she shouldn't have said them. She didn't want to give him too much hope, but she also owed him the truth.

"I'll meet you at your place at 8," he smiled. She returned it and watched as he retreated back to the Buy More, whatever he came to talk about forgotten.

_Where were my senses, I left them all behind  
Why did I turn away  
Away_

Chuck felt different when he woke up the next morning. He couldn't quite figure out why. It was just one of those days when you wake up and know everything's about to change. Hopefully that change would be a good one. His "date" with Sarah was amazing. They didn't exactly move forward in their relationship, but he knew she was trying and that was enough for him. He had forgotten how good it felt just to talk to her. If dinner had shown him anything, it was that Sarah really was the girl he wanted. He knew he'd have to wait for her, but he was prepared. Why waste time looking for someone else when he knew that Sarah was the one?

His phone rang next to him. Sarah's picture appeared and he smiled. This day just kept getting better. "Hello."

"Hey! Did I wake you up? You sound tired."

"No, I've been up for a few minutes. What's up?"

"Do you mind stopping by Castle on your way to work? Beckman called, she wants to have a meeting."

"Sure. Is everything okay?"

"I think so, but she didn't tell us what it was about."

A half hour later, Chuck showed up with coffee and bagels for him and Sarah. He tried to bring Casey breakfast once. It didn't turn out too well. He noticed how her hand rested on his arm for a few moments too long after she thanked him. Not that he was complaining.

"When's this thing supposed to start? My shift starts in twenty minutes."

"The General is busy. She'll call when she has time, not when it's convenient for you."

He looked from Casey to Sarah, but she just shrugged. Big Mike was going to kill him if he was late for another shift. They were getting a huge video game shipment in today and someone had to be there to control Jeff and Lester. Since Big Mike had started dating Morgan's mom, he had let Morgan get away with even more at the store. Right now Morgan was being paid to sit on his ass and watch movies all day.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Ellie wanted me to invite you to dinner tonight. She wants to go over some bridesmaid stuff or something."

"Alright. Sounds like fun."

The three of them sat in silence for awhile. Casey was going over reports and Sarah just stared off into space. She looked like she was a million miles away. He'd give anything to know what was on her mind. Part of him wanted to reach over, touch her hand, and ask if everything was okay, but he thought better of it. The chances of her actually telling him were small, especially in front of Casey. So he just sat there and went over the schematics Orion sent him in his mind. He had studied the cards so much that he could picture them perfectly in his head. Sarah could never find out he had them. He knew she'd be hurt that he didn't trust her enough to share them with her. It's not that he didn't trust her. He trusted her completely, with his life at least, maybe not so much with his heart. This was just something he knew he had to keep to himself. If he wanted to get the damned intersect out of his head he would have to do it his way, without help from the government. A few minutes later the screen came to life and a very weary looking General Beckman greeted them. Chuck's heart sank when he saw her. A briefing with the General was never usually a fun experience, but by the look on her face something bad was happening. So much for this being a good day.

"Agent Casey is Castle secure?"

"Of course, Ma'am. Is there reason to believe Castle's been compromised?"

"No. I just need to make sure," the General said then paused. Chuck was worried, he had never seen the General like this. "I received word today that Director Graham's position is finally being filled. This man," Chuck's head filled with images as the picture was put up on the screen, "has been named the new Director of the CIA."

"Oh my God . . ."

"What is it Chuck?" Sarah asked placing her hand over his. He swallowed and looked from her to the picture on the screen.

"He's Fulcrum."

_I wish I could save you  
I wish I could say to you  
I'm not going nowhere  
I wish I could say to you  
It's gonna be alright_

"That's what we feared."

"How could this happen General?" Sarah was shocked. Judging by the looks of Chuck and Casey, they were too. She did not see this coming.

"Fulcrum must have more connections that we anticipated. His name is Jonathan Anders. He officially starts on Monday."

"What does that mean for us?"

The General sighed. "I don't know. Now more than ever we have to keep the identity and the very existence of the intersect a secret. There can be no slip ups. I considered putting Chuck in a more secure location, but I don't think it will help. Anders will have access there."

"Do you think that's his goal? To find the intersect?" Casey asked.

"Quite possibly. Whatever his intentions, this is not good news. Be extra cautious in the coming days. I will contact you again when I have more information."

The three of them sat in a shocked silence once again. Sarah felt like her world had been flipped upside down. Please let this be a dream. Out of all the horrible things she imagined happening to Chuck, to their team, this did not even come close.

"W-What are we supposed to do?"

"I'm going to change all the security and access codes," Casey said more to himself than anybody. Sarah watched him go and tried to think of something helpful to say to Chuck, but she came up empty. How was she supposed to comfort him when there was nothing anyone could say that would comfort her?

"Look Chuck, I don't want you to worry too much right now. We're not in any immediate danger. Just remember to be very careful about what you say and what you do. And listen to what we tell you. If we say stay in the car, stay in the car. We can't afford any mishaps."

He nodded, but wouldn't meet her eyes. There was something more on his mind. Orion, most likely. This would throw away any hope of pursuing that avenue. She knew this was killing him. God, why did she have to suck at this part? Why couldn't she think of anything helpful to say to him?

"I'm sorry."

"For what? This isn't your fault."

"I know you really wanted to figure out how to get your old life back. You know for the time being that search has to be terminated."

"I know. That's not what I'm upset about though." She waited while he seemed to have an argument with himself. Finally he turned to her. "After last night I just thought . . . that we were making progress, you know? It just seemed like we were finally headed in the right direction. It's dumb, I know." He got up and headed up the stairs, but Sarah caught up to him.

"It's not dumb, Chuck. I-", she paused for a moment trying to choose her words carefully. It felt like anything she said would hurt him. "I wish things could be different. Under different circumstances, who knows what our relationship would be like?"

He took that in for a minute and seemed to accept it. "I need to get to work. Can you still come for dinner tonight? I need to let Ellie know."

"Of course, I'll be there." Even his walk looked defeated. Sarah knew the feeling. There was no way this day could get any worse.

_I didn't mean, didn't mean to leave you stranded  
Went away 'cause I didn't want to face the truth  
Reaching out, reach for me empty-handed  
You don't know if I care  
You're trying to find the proof_

"Sarah! It's so good to see you," Ellie said hugging her. Ellie shut the door behind them and led Sarah to the couch where there was a stack of bridal magazines and a bunch a note cards.

"Where's Chuck?"

"I needed him to pick up a few things from the store. He should be home soon."

Sarah smiled and took the glass of wine Ellie offered her. This day was just getting weirder. Casey and her had worked all day to make sure Castle and Chuck were safe and now she had to navigate through the trials of wedding planning. She tried to remain attentive and helpful while Ellie showed her pictures and asked her opinion on floral arrangements, but all Sarah could think about was how the appointment of the new Director was going to screw up everything she had here.

"Sarah, is everything alright?"

"I'm sorry, Ellie," she said shaking herself out of her reverie. "I just have a lot on my mind."

"Anything you want to talk about?" Ellie Bartowski never ceased to surprise her. She was the type of friend Sarah didn't deserve, but the kind that she desperately longed for. No wonder Chuck turned out so good; he had an amazing sister to raise him.

"No, it's just a bunch of boring work stuff. I think I'll be better once Chuck comes home. I haven't seen him since this morning." Ellie's eyes lit up and the corners of her mouth twitched up into a small smile. Though it was good for their cover, it was the truth. She had checked the monitors every five minutes today to make sure everything at the Buy More was okay. Sarah didn't really expect anything major to happen this soon, but they were all on edge for the inevitable. Once she could touch Chuck, feel him next to her, would she really believe he was okay.

Ellie went on for another fifteen minutes and Sarah tried her best to stay focused. They had agreed on a floral arrangement and center pieces by the time Chuck came home. Ellie grabbed the grocery bags from him and rushed into the kitchen to make dinner. Sarah walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. His arms snaked around her back and she knew he had been as worried as she was.

"How's everything?" he asked in a whisper.

"Secure for now."

"Can we talk after dinner? I've been thinking a lot today."

Sarah just nodded. Chuck left his hand on her lower back as they walked into the kitchen to help Ellie.

_There were times I'd wonder  
Could I have eased your pain  
Why did I turn away  
Away_

Sarah sat on the edge of Chuck's bed as he paced in front of her. How was he supposed to lay it out for her when he didn't have a full grasp on everything himself?

"Chuck, spit it out. You're making me dizzy." He stopped abruptly and returned her small smile. It vanished a second later when he pulled his computer chair in front of her and sat down.

"The only thing I could think about at work today was how I was never going to get the intersect out of my head. I wallowed for hours about it. I didn't care about any of the other implications of the new Director being Fulcrum. I was being selfish and I didn't care. After all, I didn't ask for this and now I'm stuck with it forever. But then I went to the store. I saw a young mom, probably around Ellie's age, struggling with three little kids. Then there was a group of older ladies talking to each other in the produce section. The store was filled with all these people who had no clue about what was happening. They didn't know that there was a good chance their whole world would come crashing down around them. I didn't envy them. For the first time I realized how much I complain about being the intersect and how much I think about only me and my family and friends. I don't think too much about the rest of the people unless we are some mission to save them. They didn't do anything to deserve what might happen."

Sarah looked at him quizzically. "I'm not sure I understand where you're going with this."

"I think I have a plan on how to fix this."

"Why do I get the feeling that I'm not going to like this?"

"Because you're not. I don't even like it, but I think it's the best shot we have."

_I wish I could save you  
I wish I could say to you  
I'm not going nowhere  
I wish I could say to you  
It's gonna be alright_

"Mr. Bartowski, do you realize how the majority of your plan depends on blind luck?"

"Yes, General," Chuck replied as his spirits sank. He knew it was a long shot to get her to go for it, but part of him thought she would.

"Well, we better hope we get lucky then."

"Wait. You approve?"

"At the moment it's our best option. If we keep on task then I have faith that it will work."

"Ma'am when do you want us to set the plan in motion?"

"Right now. We need as much time as possible to make it believable. The date we discussed is fast approaching and we need to finalize everything before Anders takes full control. Agent Casey, I'd like to talk to you in private for a moment."

"Yes, General" Casey left and headed to a private room.

"Congratulations, Chuck."

"I'm surprised she went for it."

"Don't be. It's a good plan." She beamed at him. He wished he could take a picture of the look on her face. Instead, he just had to try to burn it into his memory. In that moment it started to dawn on him how much of this rested on her shoulders. Sure, he had a lot to do, but only in the beginning and the end. The majority of the plan was her burden to bear.

"What is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"You have that look. Something's bothering you."

"I'm sorry."

"For?"

"Putting all of this on you. I never stopped to think just how much all of this lies on you. I didn't mean to put so much pressure on you."

"It's okay, Chuck. It doesn't feel like a burden."

"Then why do I feel like I just damned you?"

_We can pretend nothing's changed  
Pretend it's all the same  
And there would be no pain tonight  
It's gonna be alright  
It's gonna be alright  
Save you, I wish I could save you_

"Then why do I feel like I just damned you?" His words echoed in her ears. She didn't think of it that way. It would be hard, if not near impossible to pull off, but she had faith in herself and her team. They could do it. They had to.

"You didn't damn me. I agreed to this. It is my job after all."

"I know, but still."

She walked over and straightened his tie. His face was scrunched up in guilt and she tried to find the words to make it better, but none came.

"I should probably get to work."

Sarah pretended to pick lint off his shirt then gave up and let her hand rest on his shoulder. She just felt the urge to be connected to him. It seemed like it was the last time she would have the chance to. That was only half true because he would still be there, but their relationship would be completely changed.

"You know, as soon as you walk out that door this whole thing officially starts. We can't . . . we can't have . . . moments like we used to. Everything has to be an act. I might say things that are hurtful, but please don't take them to heart."

The gravity of her statement seemed to hit him and he looked even more depressed. "So you're saying this is kind of our goodbye."

"The only real one we'll get."

He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it after a minute. He seemed to think better of whatever he was going to say. Sarah wished with all her heart that he would have said them, but she was sure it would have just made this whole thing harder.

_I'm not going nowhere  
I wish I could say to you  
It's gonna be alright  
It's gonna be alright  
Save you, I wish I could save you  
It's gonna be alright_

"I don't know how to do this, Sarah. What am I supposed to say?"

Chuck wasn't prepared for what she did next. She closed the small distance between them and kissed him. It was soft, gentle, not burning with passion and pent up sexual tension like their previous kisses. It seemed like she was trying to tell him something. Something that couldn't be said aloud for fear of ruining everything. No, this was something that had to be understood, that had to be felt. And oh, he felt it.

She pulled away after what seemed like an eternity, but it was still too soon. He stared at her for a moment, searching her eyes for some kind of an answer. "You should probably get to work."

"Yeah, I guess I should." With one final look at her he started up the stairs. He felt her eyes on him, but he couldn't bring himself to look back at her. If he did, he just might break.


	6. I am a Friend

**A/N: **This is so late. I know and I'm sorry it took so long to update. Unfortunately, it's the end of the semester so I can't promise when I'll have time to update again, but I'll try to get a new one out soon. Thanks for all the reviews and support! Song is Out of the Shadows by Matthew Perryman Jones.

_I can't sleep in this room_

_Still so far from finding you_

_I can't seem to dig beneath_

_This pile of dirt that covers me_

**Fall 2014**

"Sarah."

All Chuck could do was breathe her name. He knew he would see her soon, but he wasn't prepared for the actual moment. He felt paralyzed standing there staring at her.

"Hey, Chuck," she replied like it was five years ago and he was coming in to meet her for lunch. It was amazing how just hearing her voice could bring so much rushing back. At first glance she was the same Sarah, with the exception of the new brown hair. He instantly missed the blonde.

They stood there awkwardly. What do you say to someone after being apart for five years? Nothing seemed to carry enough weight of the moment so he said the first thing that came into his mind. "I'm sorry I shot you. Twice."

She gave him a small smile. "You had to, remember. No need to apologize. Actually, I thought we agreed on shooting me once. What was up with the second one?"

Chuck was taken aback. "You told me I'd have to shoot you again if I didn't shoot you in the correct part of the leg the first time. You knew how bad my aim was."

"Relax, Chuck. I'm only kidding."

A monitor beeped behind them and Sarah turned to look at her computer. "The last of the data is uploaded. I added the latest intel I have on Fulcrum and put it in a new file. We shouldn't waste any time."

Chuck nodded and walked toward the computer. That was the Sarah he knew. Always ready to work. Maybe it was just because she wanted this whole thing done as much as he did. He took a seat next to her and opened the first file. It was full of pictures of the various Fulcrum bases, he scanned them all, but there was no flash. He tried looking harder for any symbol or stray face – anything that would trigger a flash. It took him an hour to go through the first folder with little results. A small symbol on a file folder made him flash, but it only implicated someone they already knew was a Fulcrum agent. Sarah made a soft noise beside him which made him jump. Chuck had gotten so used to being alone that he forgot she was even there. It was so strange because five years ago he would have been immensely aware of her presence, almost to the point where he couldn't function.

"You okay? You seem jumpy."

"Yeah, sorry. Just not used to other people being around."

Sarah made a face that he couldn't quite read and he quickly looked away when he felt his attention made her uncomfortable. After she failed to stifle another yawn, he turned back to her.

"I've got this if you want to get some sleep."

"I'm fine."

"Sarah it's obvious you need sleep. We have to be at our best the next few days if this is going to work."

It looked like she was going to fight him some more, but to his surprise she just sighed and left without another word. To be honest, he was thankful to be alone again. He thought he would welcome the company after being by himself for so long, but it felt strange to have another body next to him, especially when that body belonged to Sarah Walker. There were many nights when he dreamt of their reunion. Most of the time they involved some declaration of love or a dramatic hug or make out session, but as time went on the more he imagined that their reunion would be exactly what it was. No "I love you". No "I've missed you". Not even an "It's nice to see you". Just a pitiful apology that didn't measure up to what he should be sorry for and her sad attempt at levity. At least he could take comfort in the fact that some things never did change: he still made a fool of himself and she still saved him.

_Don't let go, don't let go_

_We can crawl out_

_Out of the shadows_

_Don't let go, don't let go_

_We can find our way back home_

Sarah collapsed on the small cot in the back of Castle, not even bothering to take her shoes off. She would have thought that with her level of exhaustion she would've passed out as soon as her head hit the pillow, the pillow that smelled like Chuck, but she wasn't that lucky. Instead, her mind was on overdrive processing her meeting with Chuck, the next step of the plan, the various ways someone could sneak into Castle and kill them both. The last one wasn't even possible, but still she worried about it. Being close to Chuck made her worry more. She knew why, but she wasn't going to delve into it. There would be time for that later. Maybe.

For some reason her mind drifted to the night when Longshore had come to take Chuck away. _"I'll save you later", _she had told him. Could she still save him from all this? Was it even her responsibility anymore? It was her job to keep the intersect safe now that they were reunited, but what about keeping the man safe? What they were dealing with was so much bigger than terrorists and drug smugglers. If losing Chuck meant keeping the nation, the _world_, safe would she be able to do it? Five years ago, four years ago, maybe even three years ago she would have said no. No way in hell. Now she wasn't so sure. When did that happen? Did absence loosen Chuck's hold on her or did something happen to make her care about nothing? God there were so many instances she could point out where her heart and soul had been chipped away piece by piece and there was a chance that it was gone forever. The only hope she had left was the man who had started to chip away at her in the first place.

_Silence keeps our story straight_

_Fighting for a perfect state_

_Wave your flag_

_Oh I believe_

_Hope is comfort if not relief_

A lot had changed in three hours. Chuck had flashed on virtually everything in the second and third file. An hour and a half ago he had almost woken Sarah to tell her what he learned, but he couldn't bring himself to tear her away from the bliss of sleep. Unless something urgent happened he would let her sleep for awhile longer.

Nothing he flashed on made sense. The notes he wrote were just scrambled words on a piece of paper. There was something major missing, something that would make all of this fit together. He used to be better at this. There was something under the surface, he just had to look harder. Rubbing his eyes, Chuck opened the last file and looked at the first picture. It was of Sarah and Bryce. They were inside what looked to be a Fulcrum meeting. Director Anders was sitting at the head of the table with Sarah at his right hand. There were other people in the photo, but none of their faces were pointed toward to hidden camera. Sarah just sat there in black and white staring into a distance that he couldn't see. She didn't look happy. In fact, she didn't look anything. Her face was blank, completely void of any emotion. Bryce was staring directly at her, which ignited a flame of jealousy deep within him. The Bryce thing would never go away. It wasn't just that, he knew, he would always be jealous of any man that got to be with Sarah. In some strange way he still thought she was his, even though she never fully had been. There was no doubt that he was still hers though. Deep in his heart he knew that Sarah had a hold on him forever.

A gut retching scream erupted from behind and Chuck jumped out of his chair in surprise. His hand went to the gun on the table and he ran toward the back room. No one was there, save for a sleeping Sarah. In sleep her face had been twisted into pain, maybe even fear. By her slight thrashing, he could tell she was having a nightmare. Badass super agents had nightmares. It wasn't something he considered before. People like Sarah were what people like him had nightmares about.

He kneeled down beside the bed, set his gun down, and gently placed a hand on her shoulder. She awoke instantly at his touch and swiftly brought her hand to his neck tightly. His eyes grew wide, but he stayed quiet until she realized who he was. Chuck tried to hide the coughing fit that rose in his throat, but he failed.

"Don't you know by now not to sneak up on people like that?" she asked sitting up and pushing her hair back.

"You screamed. I thought you were in trouble."

"What?"

"Yeah, I now know what a 'blood curdling' scream sounds like. I think you were having a bad dream."

He watched as the memory came rushing to her and she turned as white as the sheet she lay on. For the first time he really studied her. The brown hair made her face and demeanor seem colder. Gone was the air of the warm Sarah he used to know. She was still beautiful, but there were small creases on her forehead and around her mouth, like her face was in a constant frown. What really caught his eye though was a scar that traveled from above her right eye to her cheek. It was faint and he could tell she had tried to cover it up, probably for his benefit.

"Sarah what happened?"

Her hand flew up to her face immediately, trying to cover the scar with her hair. "Did you flash on anything?"

"Yeah. A lot of stuff actually. You can go over my notes and see if any of it makes sense to you." He let her ignore the question. She didn't owe him an explanation, but he felt like he owed her another apology.

_Don't let go, don't let go_

_We can crawl out_

_Out of the shadows_

_Don't let go, don't let go_

_We can find our way back home_

Chuck handed her the notepad and she watched as he sat back down in front of the computer. Sarah shivered. It took a few minutes, but her dream had come rushing back to her. She was ordered by the General to kill Chuck, but she couldn't do it. They had escaped together, running from the NSA, CIA, and Fulcrum. They had made it all the way to Rio when Fulcrum caught up with them. Bryce had saved her by grabbing her from behind and dragging her into the cover of the trees. It was already too late to save Chuck and all she could do was scream as Director Anders shot him. She had tried to run to him, but Bryce kept a full hold on her. That's when the real Chuck woke her up. The nightmare scared the hell out of her and it also clarified a few things. There was no way she'd be able to let Chuck die. Not even to save the world. He was still the one person she would do anything for. Even when she doubted it, part of her knew it would always be true.

"Chuck I don't understand what most of this means. I recognize a bunch of the names because their names of our . . . I mean of Fulcrum bases, but it doesn't make sense that you'd flash on a bunch of them."

"Have you been to all of them? Maybe there's some that were left out that are important."

"Well The Pearl isn't on the list and neither is The Swan, but they're just minor bases in Russia. The only base I've never been to is called The Looking Glass. I don't . . . Chuck!? Did you just flash?"

"Yeah," he said as he looked to her. His eyes were filled with horror. "It's a weapons base. A nuclear weapons base. Before Anders became director for Fulcrum he worked as a weapons specialist with the government."

Sarah walked over to the computer and opened a file of blueprints and a list of cities. "I found these on his desk four months ago and didn't think anything of them, but now . . ."

"Now you think he's going to bomb all the major cities in the world."

"It's the best way for Fulcrum to become more powerful and take over . . . everything."

Chuck got out of his chair and started pacing. He was muttering something, but she was too stunned to make out what it was. This whole thing just got a whole lot more complicated.

"Sarah, what are we going to do? This whole plan was designed to just take down Fulcrum, now we have to save the world? I don't know how to save the world."

"Chuck --"

"It's over Sarah. There is no way we can come up with a way to pull this off."

He was losing it, she could tell. He kept stammering on and on. A few more minutes of this and would freak himself out too horribly to function. What was she supposed to do? She always knew how to calm him down. The old Sarah would take his hand and say something encouraging. The new Sarah could only do what she did best: get physical. So she stepped up to him and slapped him across the face. Hard. The sound reverberated around the empty room and he was silent.

_And there's a heart that still can beat_

_With every breath that's inside me_

_And find the spark that's buried deep_

_And won't go out so please_

He closed his eyes for a moment and titled his head to the side.

"Thanks. I uh . . . needed that."

"We need to call Beckman," Sarah said wasting no time. This was something he desperately needed from her; the ability to stay calm in any situation. She would find a way to get them out of this. Even after all this time he was still that guy who would laugh in the face of danger then run and hide until it went away.

"Agent Walker," came a voice from the screen.

"General Chuck flashed on something really important. I mentioned a base called The Looking Glass and it's a Fulcrum nuclear weapons base. I found a list of cities and maps on Ander's desk a few weeks ago. We believe Fulcrum is going to launch a nuclear attack in attempt to take control . . . of everything."

"Do you have any indication of when the first attack will take place?"

"No ma'am."

"Take the assest and infiltrate the nearest Fulcrum safe house. See if you can gather more information."

"General, we don't have to infiltrate, I can walk right in."

Beckman just nodded and he wondered if she even heard what Sarah said. Chuck was barely listening himself. He was rummaging through all the folders trying to flash on more pictures. They needed more to go on.

"Let me know the moment you have more information."

The screen was silent again and Sarah went straight to the weapons cabinet and started packing. She threw a bulletproof vest at him and he silently put it on.

"When we get there I'm going to need to do exactly what I tell you. Understand?"

"I always do."

She stopped packing and gave him an "are you serious look". Despite himself he grinned. "Okay, maybe not always, but I promise I will now." Sarah just shook her head and smiled back.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Are we in over our heads with this? Not we . . . this is exactly what you're trained to do, so I guess I just mean me. Am I in over my head?"

She zipped up the weapons bag, put her gun in her waistband, and walked over to him. She stood close to him, closer than they had been in awhile, and he prayed that she would touch him. All he needed was for her to put her hand in his; she didn't even have to say anything. He just needed to feel that connection.

"You can do this Chuck. I believe in you."

He'd have to settle for her words after all, but they did the trick. If anything, the stakes were bigger now and he had more to fight for.

"I talked to Bryce. He's on his way to the safe house right now. He'll be our eyes on the inside and help us get through without too much attention."

"Ok. So let me get this straight, I'm pretending to be Fulcrum, right?"

"Yes, we just had recruitment so they'll just think you're new. Plus, if you're with me no one will bother you."

"Why are you some badass people are afraid of?"

Sarah shot him a look and there was a look in her eye that told him he'd hit the nail on the head. The pain in her eyes was too much for him to take so he reached out to place a comforting hand on her shoulder, but she moved away quickly and his hand fell back to his side.

_Don't let go, don't let go_

_We can crawl out_

_Out of the shadows_

_Don't let go, don't let go_

_We can find our way back home_

She had hurt him. She knew it, recognized that face, but if he touched her he'd break her façade and she desperately needed it right now.

"You ready?" she asked harsher than she intended.

"Yes," he said leading the way out and not meeting her eyes. He was upset and she knew that he couldn't focus when he was upset. She had to do something to calm him down. They loaded the weapons into the trunk and she stopped him before he crawled into the passenger's seat.

"Look Chuck, I know this is hard. I know you've been through a lot these past five years, we both have. But this is it. We do this and it's all over."

"I know. Being back here just shows me how much I want my old life back, even if I can never have it."

"You will get it back. I promise. I will do anything I can to get you back because I want to get it back too." She lightly brushed his arm as she crossed to get in the driver's seat. It wasn't much, but she hoped it was enough.

_Don't let go_

_We can find our way back_


	7. I am a Lover

**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews. I'm glad you're liking the story. The song used in this chapter is Lie by David Cook. Enjoy!

_You whispered that that you were getting tired  
Got a look in your eye, looks a lot like goodbye  
Hold on to your secrets tonight  
Don't want to know, I'm okay with this silence  
It's truth that I don't want to end_

**Fall 2009**

So this was it. Tomorrow night Chuck would set this whole plan in motion by shooting Sarah. The stakes had been raised in the past couple of months with Fulcrum growing and making advances against the government. They had actually pushed the date up a month. Part of him wished he had that extra month with Sarah and his sister, but he was glad that all of this would be over. The constant fighting was taking a toll. To be honest, it wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. He and Sarah each had a signal that they would give each other after a fight. Usually he'd just make sure his back was to a camera and would give her a discreet wink while she normally would call attention to the charm bracelet on her wrist by running a hand through her hair. They were small gestures, but they did it to show each other that they didn't mean any of the harsh things they said.

Still, the fighting had been hard. During one particularly heated conversation, she had told him that they would never have a future together because there was no way a girl like her would fall in love with a nerd like him. From the look on her face he knew she regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. She had given him an apologetic look and he knew she hadn't meant a word of it, but still it stung. The fights started out in places where they knew there would be cameras: Castle, Buy More, Orange Orange, his bedroom, and the courtyard. They needed something tangible that Fulcrum (with the help of Bryce) could use to make Sarah "join" them. They even added a camera to Sarah's hotel. They thought they could use it as added incentive to sway Sarah against the CIA. If it's one thing a spy hates it's being spied on.

They had received a lot of help from Bryce in last few months. He had been planting seeds with Fulcrum that made them want to turn Sarah. Chuck hated to admit it, but without him this whole thing would never have had a chance. Bryce had rejoined Fulcrum about four months ago. He was able to convince them that the CIA help him hostage and removed the intersect from his brain. He was their inside man.

Chuck's phone buzzed next to him. It was Sarah, of course. She was calling to invite him to her hotel for dessert. He wasn't sure what the night held. Most likely it was just designed to be a set up for their big blow up tomorrow, but he hoped it wasn't. He wanted one more night where they could pretend that everything was still normal.

_You're hiding regret in your smile  
There's a storm in your eyes I've seen coming for a while  
Hang on to the past tense tonight  
Don't say a word, I'm okay with the quiet  
The truth is gonna change everything  
_

He knocked quietly at her door and waited. It seemed to take her longer than usual to answer it. Chuck was about to knock again when Sarah opened it with a small smile. She was wearing black yoga pants and a white t-shirt and he felt overdressed in his dark jeans and dress shirt. He stepped inside and closed the door. It surprised him when Sarah came up, placed a hand on his chest, and kissed him. She pulled away too soon, but left her hand on his chest. It was like she was conveying to him all the things she couldn't say. He wished he was as good at subtly conveying his emotions as she was.

After a moment she turned and led him farther into the apartment. His eyes found the planted camera in the corner of the room and waited for Sarah to tell him what he was doing here.

"Don't worry," she said motioning toward the camera. "I disabled it. When they look over the tape they'll think I was home alone cleaning my knives."

Chuck was taken aback. So the kiss was real and not for cover. At least he'd have that to hang on to. "Sarah what's up? I thought we were supposed to have a cover fight or disagreement or something tonight."

"We've had enough of those. I ordered us some room service and we can spend the rest of the night talking. I know you're worried about tomorrow and I figured it'd be best if we went over everything one last time."

"You don't know how relieved I am to hear you say that," Chuck said sitting down on the bed next to her. "I've been going over everything in my head for days and I keep forgetting stuff, but I think that's just because I'm nervous."

"Don't be nervous. It'll be okay."

"You sound so sure."

Sarah reached over and grabbed his hand. She was awfully affectionate tonight, not that he minded. He loved it.

"Trust me Chuck. Everything will be fine."

_So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be all right  
So lie to me and tell me that we'll make it through the night  
I don't mind if you wait before you tear me apart  
Look me in the eye  
Lie, lie, lie_

Sarah set down her bowl of ice cream and sank deeper into her chair. They had just finished dessert and she couldn't remember ever being so full. She inhaled her meal like it was the last one she'd ever eat. For all she knew maybe it was. She had faith in Chuck, but there was so much that could go wrong tomorrow. Not that she'd ever tell him that. He needed her to be confident, so she was.

"So then Ellie comes storming into the room holding the empty plate. She was furious. I knew Morgan could pack it in, but I didn't think he eat could four dozen cookies in one sitting. I had to run out and buy more before the guests arrived."

She was listening to Chuck tell the story of the first birthday party Ellie threw for Awesome. It was nice hearing about his past and about the people she had grown to love and think of as family. In that moment she wished more than ever that she could share something with him. Screw it, she could give him something.

"You want to know why I don't like olives?"

"Sure," he said trying to sound nonchalant, but she knew he was more than interested. Chuck leaned closer to her and his eyes bore into hers.

"My dad got hurt on a con once and had to stay in bed for three weeks. He couldn't drive and I was too young so we couldn't go to the supermarket, plus money was pretty tight. By the end of it we were living off canned olives, spam, and peanut butter. I haven't been able to touch any of it since. There's only so many cans of olives a girl can eat."

"That explains a lot," he smiled. She could tell he appreciated the little kernel she gave him. It was a start. "What I really want to know is what you would do if you could go anywhere right now."

_Well played Bartowski. _Way to ask her something personal without asking about her past. He was getting better at this. Sarah liked being able to have a conversation like this again. They were both soaking it up because it would be the last real conversation they would have for years. That's assuming they both survived this. Honestly, part of Sarah didn't expect to. Infiltrating Fulcrum was going to be difficult, but surviving Fulcrum was a different story. If she did survive, she was sure she'd carry plenty of scars once it was over.

"On a deserted tropical beach. Sitting in the white sand, sipping a mojito, and staring out at the clear blue water. I love that feeling when you go to the beach and the rest of the world melts away. It's just so peaceful. What about you? Where would you go?"

"Camping. It's not as glamorous as the beach, but I love that feeling of being completely stripped from society. I know that sounds weird coming from the guy who loves computers and video games, but there's just something I love about being surrounded by nature."

"I thought you hated camping? You never go when Awesome and his buddies ask."

"I don't hate camping, I just hate camping with Awesome. He is way too hardcore for my tastes."

They both laughed. "Maybe I should let you go. You should spend some time with Awesome and Ellie before tomorrow."

Chuck's smile faded and Sarah felt as if she ruined whatever moment they'd just had. "It's okay. I'd rather stay here."

"I was hoping you'd say that. I don't really want to be alone right now."

"Sarah, can I ask you something? If this wasn't happening and I we weren't involved in this crazy plan to takedown Fulcrum and life continued like it had been, would we have ever had a chance?"

_I know that there's no turning back  
If we put too much light on this, we'll see through all the cracks  
Let's stay in the dark one more night  
Don't want to know, I'm okay with the silence  
It's truth that I don't want to end_

"I don't know."

It wasn't quite the answer he was looking for, but he could tell she was being honest. That's all he could ask for.

"I wish I had a better answer for you. I would have tried to stay professional since it's my job to protect you, but we both know I'm emotionally involved."

It was the closest she had come to admitting she had feelings for him in awhile. They locked eyes and he knew she was battling with herself. He knew her pain because he was fighting launching himself at her. He desperately wanted to kiss her again and feel the affection he felt when he first arrived. What did he have to lose? If she protested it's not like he'd have to see her again for five years. The pain of never taking the chance would weigh on him more than rejection. Chuck was about to lean in towards her, but she was a step ahead of him and took his hand. Sarah stood up and led him to the bed where he sat down next to her.

"Chuck, I need to tell you something. These next five years are going to be tough – for both of us. I know you think I have the harder job, but isolating yourself isn't a walk in the park. Why do you think they do it in prison? It changes people. I need you to promise me that you will try your best to hold on to yourself. Don't let this change you. Promise."

"I promise, but I'm more worried about you."

"Don't be. I can take care of myself."

"Stop it, Sarah!" he said suddenly angry. "I know you're scared. Don't put up a front for me. I need you to talk to me about how you're feeling."

She was taken aback, he could tell. She looked down at her hands and when she spoke again it was so quiet he had to lean in to hear. "I am scared. I'm scared that something will happen and I won't be there to protect you. I'm scared that this won't work and not only will Fulcrum have won, but this whole thing would have been for nothing. I'm scared that by the end of this we won't even recognize each other. But mostly . . . I'm scared that you won't love me anymore when this is over."

Instinctively, he reached out to gently cup her cheek and willed her to look at him. "Sarah, I need you to believe that no matter what I will always love you."

Chuck didn't know when or how it happened, but Sarah was kissing him. It was even more amazing then the one at the beginning of the night. Before he knew it they were tearing each other's clothes off. It all seemed like a blur, but as they fell back on the bed, Chuck was sure this would be the best night of his life.

_So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be all right  
So lie to me and tell me that we'll make it through the night  
I don't mind if you wait before you tear me apart  
So look me in the eye  
And lie, lie, lie_

Sarah sighed contentedly as she opened her eyes. She felt Chuck's strong arm around her waist and she turned to face him. He looked so peaceful and happy. She knew what just happened shouldn't have happened – it would only make things harder, but still she didn't regret it, not even for a moment. There was nothing more she wanted to do than fall asleep in his arms again, but the clock on her dresser, the one he gave her, said it was almost five o'clock in the morning. She didn't want to waste the last few hours they had together asleep.

"Chuck," she whispered. He didn't stir. She tried again and got the same result. This time she placed her hand on his cheek and kissed him softly. His arms tightened around her and he smiled.

"Hey."

"Hey."

They lay there taking each other in. He had the goofiest look on his face and she couldn't help but smile in return. This was not where she envisioned this night going. She thought he would come over, they'd talk and eat, then say goodbye. This was so much better than that. They had been leading up to this point since they'd first met. Sarah regretted that it had to happen like this, but she was pretty sure without the desperation of losing him she'd never have given in.

"You have to go to work soon," she told him sadly.

"Not for another few hours. Let's go back to bed."

"I don't want to spend our last real hours together sleeping. I don't want to waste this."

He kissed her forehead and sat up resting his head on his arm, the other still wrapped protectively around her. Sarah played with a loose curl on his temple and locked eyes with him. "What do you plan to do five years from now when this is all over?"

"Hmm. You know, I haven't really thought about that. We'd have to rebuild our lives."

She noticed how he said "we" and it didn't bother her like it would have before she met him. It was nice to be included in someone's future. She'd never really had that before. There was a small chance that they'd be able to pick up right where they'd left off, she knew that, but at least a future together was something they could hold onto when things got bad.

"We could buy a house. I'd get a real job. We could even take a vacation to that tropical beach you want to go to."

"And we could go camping."

"We'll definitely have to spoil my nieces and nephews to make up for the time we'd miss."

"Is there something I don't know?" Sarah asked raising an eyebrow.

"No, but I don't think Awesome and Ellie will wait five years to start a family. I give it two years tops."

"I'm sorry you'll have to miss all that."

"I'd rather have the world be safe for them."

_Don't want to believe in this ending  
Let the cameras roll on, keep pretending  
Tomorrow's all wrong if you walk away  
Just stay_

Reality came all too soon. Sarah sat up in bed as Chuck dressed, he still had to go back to his apartment and get ready for work. She wished they had more time. Actually, she wished they didn't have to do this at all, but this was their life. You play the cards your dealt. He was taking longer than necessary to dress and she was thankful for it. Once he walked out the door they'd have to forget this night ever happened. After that she wouldn't see him for five years. The weight of that finally hit her and she fought the urge to break down. Sarah could not imagine her life without Chuck.

"I guess it's that time."

"Yeah," she sighed. "You should go."

He leaned down to kiss her and she locked her arms behind his head so he couldn't pull away. They broke apart and she let out pained sigh. "Remember your promise?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"You'll be great tonight. I believe in you."

They broke apart and Chuck forced himself to take a step towards the door. "I don't want to say goodbye to you again. I can't."

"Then let's not. We can say something like 'see you in a few' or 'until we meet again'."

"Those all still sound like goodbye."

"I know."

"Let me just say this then: I love you, Sarah Walker. I don't expect you to say it back, but I need you know and I don't want you to forget."

Sarah's eyes filled with tears and she swallowed the lump rising in her throat. She watched as Chuck walked to the door. His hand was on the doorknob when he paused and looked back at her.

"It's too late to go back isn't it? We can't run from this?"

Without a word, Sarah just shook her head. She wanted to say yes so badly. She wanted to run off to an island somewhere where nobody would bother them.

"Didn't think so," he said giving her a small sad smile and exiting the room. The sound of the door closing was like a gunshot ringing in her ears.

"I love you too."

_So lie to me and tell me that we're gonna be okay  
So lie to me and tell me that we'll make it through the day  
I don't mind if you wait before you tear me apart  
Look me in the eye  
Lie, lie, lie_


	8. I am a Fighter

**A/N:** Finally an update! It seems like a miracle to me too. Finals are finally over so I will have plenty of time to get chapters out. There's still a lot of story to tell so sit tight. Thanks everyone for your patience and reviews.

_This time what I want is you  
There is no one else who can take your place  
This time you burn me with your eyes  
You see past all the lies  
You take it all away_

Sarah Walker's head felt like it was in a vice. Her temple was throbbing and she couldn't form a coherent thought. She tried to open her eyes, but they were too heavy and she gave up. What happened? Where was she? The last thing she remembered was looking at a set of blueprints on Anders' desk. She and Chuck had infiltrated Fulcrum to try and gather new intel.

"Chuck!" she sat up abruptly and her head screamed. For a moment Sarah thought she would pass out, but she fought against the haze and opened her eyes. It was pitch black and she was leaning against a cool cement wall. "Chuck?!" she called again and got no response. Fighting the rising panic, she took a deep breath and tried to stand but her body wouldn't comply. Instead she half crawled half dragged herself across the floor looking for him. A few minutes later her hand connected with his shoe. Pulling herself into a sitting position, she placed a shaking hand on his neck and breathed a sigh of relief when she found his pulse.

"Chuck you need to wake up," she said softly stroking his hair. He groaned and started to stir, but it was so dark she couldn't tell if he had opened his eyes.

"My head hurts."

"I'm pretty sure we were drugged." She was still stroking his hair and thought that it was probably the most contact they had since they'd been back. "You'll be foggy for a little while."

As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, Sarah was able to make out the outline of Chuck's body, but that was all. There were no windows or light source that she could see. "I don't know where we are."

"They caught us."

"All I remember is looking up from Anders' desk and seeing a bunch of agents. Then I woke up here."

"I think they shot you with the tranq first. You tried to fight them off, but it didn't work. You were bleeding . . ."

Sarah ran a hand over her face to check for blood and sure enough there was a trail of it starting at her hairline. She got a flash of getting punched and falling. She must have hit her head on the desk or something.

"Are you alright?" she asked him.

"I think so. I don't think I put of much of a fight."

"It's probably better that way."

He tried to sit up and she helped him lean against the cool cement wall. Once he was settled she got to her feet and followed the cement wall until she was back by Chuck. The room was no bigger than the freezer at the Wienerlicious. There was a metal door with no handle and a light switch that she was pretty sure didn't turn anything on anymore. She had to find a way to get them out of here.

_I've seen it all  
And it's never enough  
It keeps leaving me needing you_

"Chuck you need to wake up."

He thought he was dreaming. He could hear Sarah's voice through the haze and he focused on it to help pull him back to reality, but when he opened his eyes all he saw was darkness. The only thing telling him this was real was her hand stroking his hair. It was something the old Sarah would do and he was pretty sure this Sarah was doing it unconsciously. Maybe they both weren't too far gone yet.

"My head hurts."

"I'm pretty sure we were drugged."

He tried to remember what had happened, but everything was coming back in bits and pieces. The random images in his head told him he had flashed, but he couldn't focus on them long enough to make any sense of them. Sarah had helped him sit up and by her footfalls she was moving in circles around the small room. The two most prominent images in his head were a list of names and an unfinished schematic for . . . he wasn't exactly sure what it was. Maybe once the drugs wore off he'd be able to recall more.

Sarah had stopped walking, but he wasn't sure where she was. He wished it wasn't so dark, he could barely see the hand in front of his face. It was eerily quiet and for the first time in a long time the quiet was unnerving to him. "You think there's a light switch in here?"

"There is, but it doesn't work. There's no handle on the door either. I'd say it's a good few feet of sold metal."

"I guess they really don't want us getting out of here." He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. What a stupid thing to say. He blamed the drugs. Of course they didn't want them getting out of here.

To her credit Sarah chuckled. It was soft, but it was a real chuckle. He had missed that sound. "I guess not."

She walked over and sat down a few feet beside him. Too far away for his tastes. Chuck thought it was funny that even after all this time and with the very real possibility that they were going to die soon, all he could think about was being close to Sarah Walker.

"What are we going to do?"

"I'm not sure yet," she sighed. "I don't think there's a way out of here. We're locked in pretty good. The best shot we have of getting out of here is surprising them when they come to get us. If they come to get us."

"You don't think they're coming back for us?"

"The room is airtight. We have prison cells in every Fulcrum base and throw all our prisoners in there, even the traitors. I think they're just going to leave us or else they would have put us in one of those cells."

Chuck noticed how she said "we" and "our". Did she really consider herself a part of Fulcrum or was it just a habit from being undercover for so long? Either way, he didn't like her referring to herself as part of them. She was too good for that.

"So what you're saying is there's a good chance we're going to die from oxygen deprivation?"

"Yes."

"How long?"

"I don't know for sure, but we've got awhile."

"Well, if I'm going to die with someone I'm glad it's you."

He could feel her eyes on him and knew she was surprised. If they were going to die then he was going to start being honest with himself and with her. He was done pretending so much had changed between them. A lot of things were different, but his feelings were still the same. He had to find out if hers were too.

_Take me away  
Take me away  
I've got nothin' left to say,  
Just take me away_

"Really?"

"You sound surprised."

"It's been five years."

"Do you really think that matters?"

Sarah thought about it. She still loved Chuck, even through the changes and confusion, she was sure of that. Would she ever be able to admit it to him? Probably not. That didn't mean it wasn't true and she had to at least be honest with herself.

"Sometimes I wonder. I've changed so much in the past five years. I barely recognize myself anymore."

"Whose fault is that?"

Her head snapped to his direction, but he was backtracking before the anger in her even got a chance to rise.

"That came out harsher than I intended. What I mean is . . . ," he trailed off and she knew how difficult it must be for him after not having to express himself for so long. It's not like they were talking about anything easy, either. Their lives had become more confusing than an episode of Lost.

"I made a promise to you," he said a few moments later. "That I wouldn't change and let this all affect me, but I did and I'm sorry for breaking that promise. I spent a long time being mad at you and blaming you before I realized that everything was my fault and I just didn't want to admit that. And I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry I forced you to become someone you don't want to be."

"I don't blame you Chuck."

"You should."

The matter-of-fact tone in his voice saddened her. He was blaming himself for all of this. She of all people knew there was plenty of blame to go around. She could have stopped this five years ago. If she told him it wasn't worth what they'd have to give up and would find another way then they would have, but she was scared. Scared of what she felt and that if they didn't stop it then she'd lose him. She'd rather lose him by choice then lose him some other way. That way just seemed easier. How wrong she had been.

"I'm this way because I chose to be. I got too deep in pretending to be badass Sarah Walker and forgot that underneath it all I was still me."

"Were you ever mad at me?"

"No."

"Why?"

She didn't answer his question. They were being honest, but she wasn't going to be that honest. If she wasn't so much of a coward she'd be able to tell him it was because she loved him. He didn't push her and she sparked the conversation up again when the silence got to be more than she could handle.

"What made you mad at me?"

_I try to make my way to you,  
But still I feel so lost  
I don't know what else I can do_

"The guilt mostly, but as time went on I realized it was something else."

"Are you going to tell me or will I have to guess?"

"It was that night," he didn't clarify because they both knew exactly what he was talking about. "I was mad that you waited so long to show your feelings and that you did just when we had to leave each other. I always wondered if that was real or if you only slept with me because you knew we wouldn't have to see each other for so long."

He tried to keep the accusatory tone out of his voice, but he couldn't help it. The more he looked back on that night, the more he believed she only did it because she wouldn't really have to face the ramifications of her actions.

"Chuck," she whispered. "It wasn't about never seeing you again or not having to face you. It was about you and me."

He could tell she wanted to say more, but she stayed silent. That was okay though, he got his answer and was elated. At least something had been real. They sat in silence for a long time after that. Chuck tried to put the pieces of his flash together, but he still couldn't figure it out. Not that it really mattered now. They had failed and now they were going to die, along with a lot of other people. He wondered if Bryce was trying to save them or if there was any hope at all for them getting out alive. Doubtful. Sarah hadn't made a sound in a long time and he wondered if she was asleep. Just then, she inched closer until she was curled into him.

"I'm cold," was all she said. He smiled and wrapped his arms around her. She was right, though. The t-shirt he wore did little to keep the chill from the concrete away from him. A moment later she rested her head on his shoulder and he felt like the past five years had been instantly erased.

"I'm sorry for acting cold toward you when we first got back. I didn't know how to react to you."

"Me too."

"Are you getting warmer?"

"Yes. Thank you."

"You know, there are other ways for us to keep warm," he said raising his eyebrows even though he knew she couldn't see them.

She slapped him playfully on the stomach and laughed.

"I couldn't resist," he said joining in her laughter.

"I missed you, Chuck."

"I missed you too, Sarah."

_  
Cause I've seen it all  
And it's was never enough  
It keeps leaving me needing you_

Sarah was sure they had been talking for hours. He told her about all the places he had lived and the ones that he wanted to take her back to, well if they had the chance. She told him about her adventures with Fulcrum and even about the stuff she'd rather have him not know about. During those times, the things that were hard for her to talk about, he would hold her closer and kiss her forehead.

"How much longer do you think we have?"

"I don't know. It doesn't seem like we've lost that much oxygen."

"At least that gives us more time together."

She nodded against his chest and fought back the urge to cry. She wished above everything that they had gotten the chance to be a real couple. It wasn't fair. Without thinking, she lifted her head and met his lips. She was done pretending. He kissed her back with the same passion and she melted into him. After awhile she forced herself to break away.

"I can't do this. We're not going to do this," she said standing up.

"We're going to die and you still won't let yourself be with me?" he asked frustrated.

"No, not that," she said crouching down taking his hand. "I'm not going to let us sit here and do nothing. We're going to get our chance at a real life. We just got to get out of here first."

"How? You said there was no way out."

Sarah thought for a moment. There had to be some way out. _It doesn't seem like we've lost that much oxygen._ Maybe because they hadn't. "Chuck, stand up and let me get on your shoulders."

"What?" he asked, but complied anyway.

"We haven't lost any oxygen because there's a source coming from somewhere," she explained while climbing on his back. "There must be an old vent in here somewhere. Probably on the ceiling."

They had come up with a system and were checking inch by inch for some type of vent. They stopped a few times to give Chuck a rest, but only for a few minutes.

"Here it is!" Sarah tore off the cover and tried to reach inside. "Can you jump or something?"

"I don't think that's possible."

"Just a little one. I can't quite reach."

He complied and she was able to find an edge to lift herself through the small hole. Chuck cheered and she positioned herself so she could try to pull him up after her.

"Can you reach my hand?"

"I don't think so. Let me get a running start and see."

Sarah felt the rush of air as his fingers sought hers, but he was too far away and the vent was too high. He tried a few more times, but they both knew it wasn't going to work.

"You go," he said without hesitation. "See if you can unlock the door from the outside or find some rope or something."

"I'll be right back."

"Be careful."

_Take me away  
Take me away  
I've got nothin' left to say  
Just take me away_

Sarah snaked her way through the vents until she found another opening. It was above someone's office. The room was dark so she figured it was safe. She jumped down quietly and looked around for a weapon, but the room was empty save for a few empty boxes and some strewn papers. She put her ear to the door, but didn't hear anything so she opened it quietly. The hallway was empty and she followed it until it ended. There was a security door. She punched in the code and sighed with relief when it clicked open. At least her security codes still worked. It was odd that no one was around. This had been too easy. Sarah rounded the corner that would lead to Chuck and her heart sank immediately. Lining the hallway was enough C4 to blow the whole block. She checked the timers. Five minutes. All she had was five minutes to get Chuck out of there. She tried to disarm the detonators, but each bundle had its own and she didn't have enough time to disarm them all.

She ran to the big metal door and looked around for a handle. There was another keypad, just like the security door, but this one had been blown out. The wires were scorched and frayed. What was she supposed to do?

Desperately, she summoned all her strength to slide it open, but it didn't budge. She tried again. Nothing. Damn it.

"Chuck!" she screamed banging on the door. "Chuck!"

_Don't give up on me yet  
Don't forget who I am  
I know I'm not there yet  
But don't let  
Me stay here alone_

"Chuck!"

He was at the door in an instant. Sarah's yell was muffled, but he had heard her.

"Sarah!" he called back banging on his side of the door for emphasis.

"There's a bomb! I need you to help me try and open the door. We don't have much time. Can you hear me?"

"Yes. Open the door. Gotcha."

"On three slide it to your right. One. Two. _Three_!"

The door didn't budge. "Again!" she yelled. Nothing happened.

"How much time do we have?"

"Two and a half minutes," she called back. "We can do this!"

She was banging on the door now. He figured she was trying to loosen it's internal lock or something. It was an act of desperation. He knew he wasn't getting out of here.

"Sarah! You should go!"

"NO! Chuck, don't you give up. Keep pushing."

"WALKER!" he heard through the door. It was a familiar voice, one he would have been relieved to hear under different circumstances, but it just meant that another person close to him was in danger. There was shouting on the other side of the door. They were arguing.

"Casey! Chuck's trapped in there. Help me get this door open."

He heard them try and push and he tried from his end, but it was still no use.

"Walker, we have to go."

"I'm not leaving him!" she said banging on the door. "I'm not leaving you!"

She was crying now and it broke his heart.

"Sarah, GO! It's alright. I'll be alright."

"NO! Chuck! CHUCK!"

Her voice was fading. Casey must be dragging her out.

"I'll be alright," he repeated, but he was the only one who heard it.

_I've seen it all and it's never enough  
It keeps leaving me needing you  
I've seen enough and it's never enough  
It keeps leaving me needing you_

"CHUCK!"

Casey had dragged her clear out of the building, but she was still screaming his name. She was able to escape Casey's grasp and ran back toward the building, but he caught up with her and pulled her back. "Let go of me you son of a bitch!"

She turned back around just in time to see the bomb explode. The building went up in a blaze and smoke billowed everywhere. All Sarah could do was stare at the flames.


	9. I am a Healer

**A/N:** Thanks again for all the reviews! The song in this chapter is Fells Like Letting Go by Matthew Perryman Jones.

_Oh my love  
Help me open my heart again  
Tear it open let the rain fall in  
Wash this hardness underneath my skin_

**Fall 2014**

Her eyes hurt from the brightness of the explosion, but she couldn't tear her eyes away. There was smoke and debris floating everywhere and it made her throat burn. Casey was directing the NSA cleanup crew to put out the fire and check for survivors, not that either of them expected there to be any. Sarah stood up, grabbed a gun and some knives from the trunk of her car, and took one last look at the fire before getting in the car. Casey was there in an instant grabbing her hand and taking the keys away.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to go kill Anders. Give me my keys back."

"You know you can't do that, Walker."

"Watch me."

She reached to grab the keys out of his hands, but he moved back. She wasn't going to play this game with him. Knowing Anders, he was on his way to Fulcrum's air field so he could hop on a plane back to DC and continue with whatever evil scheme he was planning. She didn't have much time before he was gone.

"If you kill him now all of this would have been for nothing and we won't know how to stop him."

"A bullet between the eyes should do the trick."

"Damn it, Sarah!" he yelled. Casey rarely called her by her first name and his outburst took her off guard, but it didn't weaken her resolve. Right now she didn't give a damn about what Anders' plan was. All she could see was Chuck behind that door waiting to die because she was too late. She had failed him. Again. Sarah was going to make Anders pay for that. She reached into the glove box and pulled out her spare key. Casey was still yelling at her as she pulled away, but she paid no attention to him. _  
_

_Oh my love  
Let me hear your voice come through  
I wanna know the love inside of you  
Make this dark heart believe in what is true_

Sarah was a little surprised that she had beat them to the airfield. Anders and his agents must have made a stop somewhere on the way. She was going to call Bryce, but thought better of it. It wasn't that she didn't trust him. Though their relationship was not always easy, she trusted him with her life. Still, she wondered what role he played in all of this. Was he there when they were caught? Did he know about the bomb? Even if he did there was a good chance he wouldn't have even tried to save them. Bryce was level headed in all of this. Protect his cover, complete the mission, save the world. In times like these he thought with his head, her with her heart. That's why she was crouched behind a large rock in the woods on the edge of the airstrip while he was still with Anders trying to find a way to stop him.

In her heart, she knew this was the wrong decision. They needed Anders alive, at least until they had figured out a way to stop his plan. They didn't even know the full extent of it. But the rage in her was too great to quell. They had finally started to work through their issues and were reconnecting when Chuck was ripped from her. In those final hours she had let herself hope. She thought that when this was all over they could buy a house, have a family, have that normal life he so desperately wanted. Before meeting him, Sarah had never really wanted a normal life. She'd never had one and learned to thrive off the excitement of her job. When she started wanting him, she started wanting that normal life. Chuck had opened her up to a lot of new things, but now that he was gone she feared those bridges she'd built would burn down again.

A black SUV pulled up, flanked by two smaller black cars. A few agents she didn't recognize got out followed by Bryce then Anders. Sarah set up her shot and waited for the perfect moment. It came and went and her hand was still tightly gripping her gun. She couldn't do it. It wasn't right, not that it wasn't justified, but because it wasn't her. Even in her darkest days as a Fulcrum agent, she killed and hurt others, not because she didn't care, it was that she cared too much. She cared about Chuck. She cared about Awesome and Ellie and her father. Not to mention the countless innocent people that would be hurt if she didn't complete her mission. Just because Chuck was dead didn't mean the mission was over. He'd want her to keep fighting.

As she stood up and backed away from the airfield, a strange feeling rose in Sarah. It wasn't quite relief, but it felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Her heart didn't feel as heavy. Then Chuck's face entered her mind once again and the feeling vanished. She had to go find Casey and figure out what their next move was going to be, but there was something she had to do first.

_I know that in the dark there's a fear of letting go  
I know that in my heart that I fear what I don't know_

Awesome and Ellie's new house was beautiful. According to intel she dug upon them, they had been there two years. They moved in right after Ellie had given birth to a little girl they named Savannah. Sarah had smiled when she read that. She was happy for them. It would have been nice to have a niece. Maybe if she came out of this unscathed, she'd still have a chance to be some sort of makeshift aunt to the little girl. It'd be nice to have a family and she could think of no better one than the Woodcombs.

She had been parked across the street for the past fifteen minutes. This wasn't news she wanted to break, but she felt like she should be the one doing it. They'd know something was wrong the minute she showed up at their front door. How was she supposed to face Ellie? Gathering her strength, Sarah got out of the car and walked up to the front door. She took a deep breath and knocked softly. The window by the door caught her eye and she saw her reflection. She should have cleaned up before coming over here. There was still a large stream of dried blood running down the side of her face and dirt and soot covered every inch of her. Looking down at her hands, she realized they were bruised and bloody from banging on the steel door. Not only was she going to give these poor people horrible news, but she was going to scare them to death as well.

She heard voices and footsteps and braced herself as her heart dropped. A moment later she was standing face to face with Ellie Woodcomb.

"I know you must shocked to see me . . ."

"Sarah!" Ellie said cutting her off and engulfing her in her arms. Not quite the reception she was expecting. Sarah hugged her back relishing the moment.

"Ellie, there's something I have to tell you."

"I could barely believe it when he showed up," she continued ignoring Sarah's comment and still hugging her tightly. "Then he said you would probably show up at some point! It's so good to see you."

"Who told you I was coming?" she asked breaking away from Ellie.

"Chuck. He showed up about an hour ago. John Casey was with him."

Time seemed to freeze while Sarah replayed the other woman's words in her head. Chuck showed up an hour ago. With Casey. That wasn't possible.

"Chuck's here? He's alive?"

Ellie narrowed her eyes and looked behind her then back to Sarah. "Of course he is."

_And this feels like letting go  
And this feels like letting go  
I'm letting go_

She rushed into the house without waiting for an invitation from Ellie. She looked around and didn't see him. Was this just a cruel trick? Then she saw him at the top of the stairs staring down at her. He was holding a towel and his short hair was still wet. For a moment she thought she was dreaming. This was too good to be true. She watched the explosion. There was no way he could have survived and be at his sister's house fresh out of the shower. But then he raced down to her and enveloped her in a hug. Her arms hung limply at her sides, still not believing what was happening.

It wasn't until he kissed her forehead and whispered to her that she gave in. Sarah wrapped her arms fiercely around him and let the tears of relief fall.

"It's alright. I'm alright," he whispered. They stood there for awhile until she forced herself to pull away.

"I don't understand. I saw the explosion."

"I'll explain everything, but first let's get you cleaned up."

Chuck took her hand and led her up the stairs. She sat down on what she assumed to be the guest bed and watched as Chuck disappeared into the bathroom to get a first aid kit. Ellie came up and asked her if she needed anything from the grocery store, apparently she was planning a big feast in honor of their return. At first Sarah just shook her head and declined politely, but called the other women back when she thought of something. Ellie gave her a confused expression, but nodded and walked away.

A minute later Chuck was back and kneeling in front of her. He reached up to clean her wound, but she caught his hand and held it in hers.

"I thought I'd lost you."

"I know. I'm sorry I couldn't contact you. We'll have to get new phones so that doesn't happen again."

"You planning on almost dying again anytime soon?"

He chuckled and continued to clean the blood and dirt off her face. "No, but we both know how important it is to stay connected.

Sarah nodded, understanding the double meaning of his statement. "So how did you get out?"_  
_

_It's hard to trust  
When your heart's been broken times before  
You pull the curtains and you lock the doors  
Swear you'll never go out anymore_

"I didn't, actually. Not until the cleanup crew put out the fire. The room we were in was like a bomb shelter. I heard the explosion, but nothing happened to me. About twenty minutes later, Casey was able to open the door and I just walked out."

"Wow."

"I don't understand it, though. Why did they throw us in a bomb shelter when they planned on blowing us up?"

"It was Bryce," she said putting the pieces together. "He must have been the one who threw us in there. The other agents probably didn't even know it was a shelter. No one knows these bases better than Bryce."

"That explains a lot then."

"Where's Casey?"

"He went to report to Beckman. Then I think he was going to look for you."

Sarah nodded and he placed a bandage on her cut. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Where did you go after the explosion?"

"I went to go kill Anders." Chuck watched as a wave of many emotions passed over her face. She was staring at nothing in particular and seemed to be replaying the events in her head. "I almost did it too. I had the shot was so close to taking it, but didn't. Then I came here to tell Ellie what happened to you."

"Why didn't you do it?"

"I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. It would have destroyed everything we have worked for. I had this strange feeling right after I decided not to do it. It was . . . relief. I think a part of me knew you weren't really dead."

He smiled at her and she returned her gaze back to him. Chuck knew that feeling. All those years he waited, worrying, praying that she was okay. He'd have dreams where she died and he was unable to help her. Screaming, he'd wake up in a panic, but once he calmed down he knew she was still alive. It's like they were connected on some cosmic level. If she died, he knew a part of him would know and die with her. A tear fell from her eye and he reached up to wipe it away.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't stop replaying it in my head. That feeling when I knew there was nothing I could do . . . I can't describe it. It was so crushing and heartbreaking. I just felt empty. And I hear your voice telling me it's going to be okay, but it wasn't."

"But it's okay now. We're both okay."

_I know that in the dark there's a fear of letting go  
I know that in my heart that I fear what I don't know_

When Ellie got home from the store Sarah thanked her and excused herself to take a shower. A good while later she was standing in front of the mirror in some of Ellie's clothes brushing her newly dyed blond hair. It felt so good to be able to look in the mirror and see herself again.

"Sarah? Are you okay up there?"

"I'm fine," she smiled. "Be down in a minute."

It felt like they had traveled back to a time when this was "normal" for them. Eating dinner with the Awesomes was something Sarah always looked forward to. It made her feel like a normal girl. Despite the craziness in their lives right now, she felt normal right now. She welcomed it, even if it only lasted a few more hours.

She reached the end of the stairs and Chuck's eyes were on her immediately. He raised an eyebrow at her new look.

"If we're going to take down these bastards I want to do it as me, not as someone pretending to be part of them."

"I've missed the blond," he said kissing her forehead as she stood beside him. It amazed her how easily they fell back into couple like behavior. Sarah figured it had always been there, but they had built barriers in those five years that made them reluctant to even touch each other. Those walls had tumbled pretty quickly when they were locked in that shelter.

"I really wish my niece was here. I'd love to meet her," Chuck said as they sat down for dinner. Sarah cast a sidelong glance at him remembering his words all that time ago. _I'd rather have the world be safe for them. _

"She'd love to meet you too. Both of you. We've told her stories about you guys."

That caught Sarah off guard. Ellie and Awesome had told Savannah stories about her? They had no reason to. Again, these people surprised her. Maybe they still considered her family. She knew no matter what they would always be family to her.

"She'll be back from my parents next week," Awesome chimed in. She and Chuck shared a look. With any luck this would all be over by then and they would actually get to spend some time with the little girl.

Dinner had been very enjoyable. They had shared stories from their adventures over the past five years. Well, mostly Ellie and Awesome shared while they just listened. Chuck and Sarah had given the occasional "the beaches in Panama are gorgeous" and "Paris is beautiful this time of year". The Awesomes didn't push for more information. They hadn't even asked many questions about what they were doing here. They had just welcomed them in like nothing had happened.

"We should go," she whispered to Chuck after dinner had ended. He just nodded and walked over to Ellie.

"Hey Sis, we have to get going."

"I figured as much. We'll see you soon right?"

"I hope so."

_Well I'm stepping out  
I can't see there is no sound  
A seeming void becomes a solid ground  
A sight I lost becomes a faith I've found_

The climbed into Sarah's car and headed to meet up with Casey. Chuck was glad to have a few hours with his family. He had missed them so much. It was easy to see that Sarah benefited from the visit as well. They sat in a comfortable silence and watched the miles fly by. He started to think about their life after this was over. After they had won. There really wasn't any other outcome. They were going to win. They had to.

It wasn't really a question of if they be would be together. He had no doubts about that. It was just a question of where they were going to live, what jobs they would have, how they'd raise their kids. He shook his head to clear the thoughts. One mission at a time, Chuck. She had said that once, in another life. It was important to focus all his thoughts on completing this mission. There would be plenty of time for everything else.

"It's going to be okay, Sarah. I really believe that."

"I think you're right," she replied taking her eyes off the road to smile at him. She didn't sound as optimistic as he felt, but that was okay. As an agent he knew she was trained to prepare for the worst case scenario. Whatever the outcome, at least they got a second chance at being together. __


End file.
